We have received some incredible questions on the Blog over the last couple of months and I want to encourage the readers to post any and all questions you might have concerning sexual issues in your life. It is interesting that no matter where we travel in the world, no matter what the culture or race of folks we are speaking to –the questions about their sexuality are very much the same. It turns out that “Sex” is a universal language!

This month we traveled to Sydney and held a Sexy Christians Conference in pastor Warren’s and Judy’s church —Calvary Chapel. It was totally delightful time. The openness and honesty of the Australian culture is a total “kick!”

Diane is obviously having a fun time as the audience teases her about her accent. But there were many tears and some incredible healing in the hearts and lives of husbands and wives

The highlight once again of the conference was when the couples begain to share with one another during the “Home Play’ exercises. The Holy Spirit can do some profoundly deep healing in the midst of honest dialogue with one another. And the couples obviously had some fun doing it.

One couple sent pastor Warren the follow comments

“Hi Mate ( I love the Australian way of greeting)

We left the Seminar with sooo much to come home and talk about and work through. We had conversations unlike anything we’ve had in 5 and a half years of marriage, and it has set a new precedent in our relationship. It is for this new dimension in our relationship that we are thankful to pastors Ted and Diane, Yourself (Warren), Judy and your team, and mostly to the awesome God we serve.”

Comments like that made the 14 hour flight more than worth it.  We will be back home for a while until we travel to South Africa in March of 09. In the month ahead I will speaking at the Dream Center on August 28th and Life Pacific College September 11th.

In the way of questions we are encountering with respect to sexuality it is interesting that no matter where we travel and no matter what age the crowd the question of “Oral Sex” comes up. For the young generation it has become almost as common as kissing was in my day and age.  And most frequently the question is possesed with a great deal of emotion behind it. Either the wife feels forced to engage in oral sex or the husband is frustrated because his wife will not perform such behavior.

A couple comments about the behavior…….

#1 It is not prohibited by scripture in fact the Song of Songs appears to consider it as appropriate behavior. ( S of S 2:3)

#2 But it is only appropriate within the context of a husband and wife relationship. It is never to be engaged in courtship.

#3 And this is the most important principle is found in I Cor 7:1-5 where Paul points out that the husband’s body does not belong himself and the wives’ body is not her’s as well. It is critical that we realize Paul has underlined a challenging tension about our sexual responsibilities as husband and wife. There can never be a self focus if sexual fulfillment is going to take place.

So many times I told a husband that his obcession on “oral sex” is crushing his wife’s spirit. He is so totally focused on what he is supposedly missing –he is totally missing the incredile gift of his wife. “Oral sex” is never to be the focus of intercourse at the most it is can be part of foreplay but it is never the main course!

 Diane and I would love to hear any questions you may have …

In His Love

Dr. Ted

Sorry about the previous pictures I am just getting use to the Blogg!?!

There that looks much better!

Ted

Questions from Portland and Santa Rosa ……

Here are a few pictures of the great turnout at the Sexy Christian Seminars in our hometown of Portland and Santa Rosa California. We started off in Pastor Dennis’ church in downtown Portland and a huge crowd showed up despite the fact that there was not much time to advertize the event.

I especially love this picture of a couple sharing their “Home Play.”

In Santa Rosa we joined with a number of churches and meet together in Pastor Andy’s church a great group of “rocking” Baptist.

Once again the couples loved the “Home Play” and of course great California weather didn’t hurt!

Over the next couple of weeks Diane and I will be answering the questions we didn’t have time to get to during the seminars. I would love to have those who attended to ask for any further claification as they read through our responses.

Question #1

This is one of the top quesitons we usually get at the seminar.

“Is oral sex an acceptable practice for Christians?”

Paul is vividly clear that your body in marriage doesn’t just belong to you alone but is to be enjoyed by your mate as well. ( I Cor 7) There is to be this creative and beautify balance in marriage of giving towards one another. I preface my comments with that very important principle becasue so many men attempt to force oral sex on their wives.

As I pointed out in the seminar the Song of Songs openly talks about oral sex and the delights of such activity. God is not up tight about us enjoying the full range of sexual pleasure as a couple. BUT HOWEVER it must be a mutual agreed upon activity and nothing to be force on a marriage partner.  As a huband or wife you can express your desire for a certain sexual activity but in can never be something you demand from your mate.

Question #2

“How do I love my wife better?”

Awesome quesiton!  You are well on your way just by asking such a question. But as you know it is not an automatic process. Every women is different, hand made by God and they change as you love them. I warned my son-in-law when they were first marriage. “Jason as you love your wife more and more effectively she will get stronger and stronger and challenge you more and more. Enjoy the adventure!”

Probably the greatest need a woman has –is simply to be listened to. Not listen to, to fix her problem or debate the issue. Just to be listened to. That is the number one comment I have heard in the counseling office time and time again. “He doesn’t listen to me.” Listen to your wife. I know it is hard becasue so frequently I think I know what Diane is going to say before she says it. But agreement about content is not what she is looking for —but a connection of hearts. I am getting better —every husband can and it is well worth the effort!

Question #3

“How do you get over the shame from past sexual sins committed before you where with your current mate?”

Another great quesiton. Now the key word in your question is “shame.” It is the driving force behind every addition at some point in a person’s life. THEREFORE it will not get any better by doing nothing about it.  First and foremost you need to find a counselor you trust who knows something about sexual issues. Many pastors are not really comfortable in dealing with such issues. So you may need to find a Christian counselor to help you process the pain of the past. If addictive behavior was involved in will be important to find a counselor that has been trained in sexual addiciton issues.  And here is the really challenging part…..at some point ..not immediately…you should share with your mate what took place. Not the details but the overall struggle and pain you went through. The shame you are struggling with is in a sense effecting your relationship right now. At some point there needs to be no secrets between you. Take your time. Get a good counselor or pastor and they will help you walk through the process. I know it sounds scary but it will take your marriage to a whole new level of closeness.

We will be addressing about 5 to 10 questions each week until we have answered them all.

In His Love –His outragious —incredible love!

Pastor Ted

I absolutely fell in love with the worship in Central America. Those folks know how to get it on in worship! Diane and I traveled to Panama, Guatamala and Honduros for a ten day ministry trip.

We present a Sexy Christian Seminar in all three nations. The had never heard of such a thing in church. One fellow stood and asked what “sexy” meant. I knew we had our work cut out for us. But soon it was obvious that everyone was with me. The internet was not as big an issue as it is in America but sexual bondage is no less of a monster.

I saw more miracles in this trip than any ministry trip I have ever been part of. It was incredible. After our final time of ministry at a church which the president of our denomination pastors in Honduros we sat having coffee together. And he passionately asked me to please return to his country because of the deep level of sexual bondage. I told him it would be unlikely because of financial considerations. 

Please pray with me –I am serious on this one –please pray with me for God to provide the funds so that we can help the pastors and leaders in these nations. America isn’t the only one struggling with the monster of sexual bondage —it is a world wide problem in the church.

I will never forget the people. Their passionate souls and the poverty they struggled with deeply gripped my heart. Diane and I were praying for couples at one of the seminars and the pastors were mostly farmers.  The men were small in stature, aged before their time because of the intense physical labor they were involved in every day in the fields. As I prayed for the men tears literally streamed down their faces as they stood beside their wives. I asked the interpreter if the men were always this emotional. She said, “These men never cry or shed a tear. They are usually very stoic. God is doing something deep within them.”

And God the Holy Spirit did something very deep within me in the process of praying for those precious couples.

 Dr. Ted

“Greetings from Holland the home of the original “red light district” and the topless bar.  They started here in the 17th century, and I thought “Hooters” was the original. I guess guys have learning how be addicted since the beginning of time. I had agreed to come to Holland over two years ago well before I knew I would be part of launching Pure Desire Ministries International. I wasn’t expecting much from the trip because this tiny country is the third largest producer of pornography in the world! Sexual addiction is almost as big of a business here as it is in the United States. I just assumed that there would be resistance from the church like I have encountered in America. But the Holy Spirit had totally different plans. Yesterday Diane and I spend the entire morning planning with the National Board of the Foursquare Church in Holland on how to make the Pure Desire Ministry available to every church in the nation in 2009. I also spoke at Piet Brinksma’s church who is the president of the denomination, and over two thirds of the congregation stood to their feet indicating that they wanted to serve in taking Pure Desire to their nation. Amazing! As the president and I drove to a meeting together the Lord gave me a picture of a spark that ignited a flame that spread across Europe! Isn’t that just like God to take a nation that is known for immorality, and set it ablaze with his holiness? This could definitely be the beginning of something really huge in the Kingdom! Pray for Diane and me as we share with this great land and magnificent people the healing power of God’s goodness!Ted”

In opening this Blog I am hoping to create a community of men and women who want to openly and honestly take on the Monster. The Monsters of sexual bondages and addictions that are absolutely crippling the church of Jesus Christ. I am praying we can get beyond the shame and guilt that seems to be the very air the church breathes concerning this issue.  It hangs like smog in the LA basin on a hot and sultery August day.  When I attended college in Pomona I didn’t even realize there were mountains surrounding the area until late fall. As I sat outside one day I looked up and realized there were actually snow capped peaks to the east. The beauty of the rock ribbed hills was refreshing to my soul.  Born in the Pacific Northwest I had deeped missed the perspective of being surrounded by mountains.

Of course the freshing my soul received the first time I was able to turn passionately away from pron was life changing.  That is why I have dedicated the next twenty years of my life to help men and women in the local church get free from the pernacious cluthes of sexual bondage. Until there is a significant breakthrough for folks sitting in the pews and the leaders in the pulpit across this nation every week –there is absolutely no way the church will ever experience real revival. 

Recently I was able, with the assistance of Dr. Patrick Carnes, to conduct a voluntary survey of evangelical pastors and church leaders across this nation with respect to their level of sexual bondage. (I will keep the specific name of the organization confidential until they allow me the opportunity to present the results to their membership.) Dr. Carnes was thrilled with the results becasue there has been no specifical clinical data concerning evangelical leaders on the subject. Primarily they have assumed they don’t have such problems. Well guess what? Over half the population eithered admitted they were a sex addict or were having a problem. And the level of stress among the female population was off the charts!

So here is what I propose —lets create a “Shame Free Zone”.  Let’s admit it is a HUGE PROBLEM in the church today! Let’s admit WE have a problem.  And as James 5: 14-16 declares let’s admit our struggles to one another AND GET HEALED!

Here is what I want to suggest —let’s not have a typical Blog where I just share my rambling thoughts with you. Instead what are your struggles sexually?    

What have you told yourself a thousand times you will not do that again–and you did it again!                                  

What sexual thoughts batter your soul that you want to get free of?

What are your questions?  I have listened to folks for over twenty years with respect to their sexual struggles –so I have figured out a couple things that work. If I don’t have a clue I can get in touch with some world class experts on the subject who can give us some suggestions. Or the dialogue of the Shame Free Zone community under the guidance of the Holy Spirit will give us insight.

So what are you questions about your sexual struggles —Come On!  Give me your best shot! Lets see what God can do in the Shame Free Zone!

In His Love

Dr. Ted