Jacob

I grew up in an abusive family. I remember my mom slapping me so hard that my ears would ring and my nose would bleed and then she would tell me to stop crying, saying she hadn’t hit me that hard and I was just playing it up. Sometimes she would use a leather belt and line up my brothers and I up in a row. I always hated being last because I could hear the screams of my brothers before me and was able to count how many rage-given lashes they were given. The suspense was horrible. She would scream and throw things – one time she threw me down on the couch as hard as she could and then turned over all the furniture in the house. This kind of violence and punishment would happen all the time.

After mom would finish whipping us, she would often go into long lectures about her own childhood pain including the men in her life, alcoholism, molestation, violence and so on. She would describe it graphically so we would understand and then go on to preach an hour long sermon about God. This kind of pain and dysfunction primed me for unhealthy ways of coping and some of the lessons I learned as I grew up were that it was not good to be a man, if I cried I was being weak or phony, if I did something wrong I needed to hide it to avoid violence and shame. And, I grew to resent all authority, especially in women.

I saw my first pornographic magazine when I was eight years old and, by that time, I already knew what I was looking at. I was instantly hooked. When I was very young, a member of my family demonstrated masturbation (incest also existed in my family) to me and I started using both that and the pornographic magazines as my refuge when I was twelve. The women in those magazines always seemed to be looking at me like I was special and loved and they were always there to comfort me. I could tell no one of my pain and suffering or that I was truly being raised in an environment of fear, resentment, rage, pornography, control, shame and isolation.

At the age of 14 I had sex for the first time and then I ran away from home. I got into heavy metal music and started to drink and smoke. Eventually the inevitable happened – I attempted suicide – but apparently God wasn’t done with me yet because the attempt failed.

When I was 17, I was engaged to my future wife, who had just turned 18, and already had a two and a half year old daughter. Of course, we didn’t wait to have sex but I still needed my addictions of masturbating, pornography and rage and carried these addictions right into our marriage. We hadn’t even been married a year before I was making out with another woman. The following year, my wife and I lost our first child, I lost my job, my car was stolen, we lost our apartment and we had to move in with my father-in-law. Pornography and masturbation were no longer enough. I would get drunk, smoke pot and started gambling heavily where I eventually blew $12,000 away in one summer. Then there were the phone calls to 1-900 numbers where I listened to the graphic recordings as well as having live phone sex with other women.

I was clearly out of control at this point and, after I had kicked a hole in our screen door out of rage, my wife told me that she was going to leave me if I didn’t get help, that she couldn’t take any more abuse. Somehow I knew she wasn’t kidding and that shook me and got my attention. My father-in-law also confronted me and shared with me his struggles and recovery from sexual addiction. This was a turning point in my life.

My wife and I got counseling and I joined my first accountability group in 1998. After a phone sex relapse in 2002, my wife told me that it wasn’t working, which made me discouraged and desperate. I called on East Hill Church for help and was able to get into the Pure Desire Ministry by joining a F.M.O. (For Men Only) group. Since then, I have also taken many of the restoration classes offered there, read more books than I can count, continued with counseling and with being mentored. After nine years of working towards recovery and learning the truth about myself and many of my false beliefs, and how to break the pattern of isolation in my life, I am finally experiencing some true intimacy and lasting purity. God is restoring me!

I now co-lead an F.M.O. group, helping other men to walk on their healing path. We are learning how to have intimacy with God and with others. God is truly restoring me and investing in me and the best privilege of all is that my wonderful bride stood by me through all of the garbage and is still standing by my side. There are no words to describe how valuable she is to me. I believe that she has the heart of a champion and there is a grace in her character that is a tremendous gift. We are being restored together and now are able to dream of the things God has in store for us.

I have also experienced much healing in my relationship with my mom. She surprised me when she asked me to share what my memories were of growing up. She said she wanted to sincerely repent and move towards restoration. I reluctantly began to share some things with her and the Holy Spirit guided us through those painful memories. It was very healing for both of us. We now share for the first time in both of our lives, a somewhat healthy relationship that is growing. We still have our memories of the past but not the pain of it any more. It is a very special and wonderful thing that God is doing between us.

This restoration for me has only been possible by the grace of God. Though my recovery from sexual addiction may be a thorn in my side at times, God continues to restore me and to give my life purpose. Thank you, Jesus, and thank you Pure Desire Ministries!

    DESIGNED BY PLAINJOE STUDIOS © 2009 PURE DESIRE     


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