We all know how it feels when we reach a goal of some kind. It builds our confidence, brings a sense of satisfaction, and often creates a desire for more. But, at times, making changes can also be overwhelming and discouraging. For those things that we have wanted to change for a long time, or feel we’ve tried and failed, we can end up believing our goal isn’t actually reachable and have the feeling of being stuck.

This is often referred to as a double bind or lose-lose situation, where it is difficult (even painful or scary) to change, but we also don’t want to stay the same. Resolving double binds really is at the heart of all changes we make in our life and a huge part of recovery from addiction and betrayal.  

The key to reaching any significant goal in our lives involves many steps in between. If you have seen someone reach a huge goal or someone who seems like they’re constantly setting new goals for themselves, there are many things they were doing in between to get there. 

Even if you don’t think you’re a goal setter naturally, the fact is that everyone is setting and accomplishing goals, little or big, every day. If we aren’t able to break our goal down into smaller steps, we can feel overwhelmed by the thought of it and stop trying. We succeed when we don’t get too far ahead of ourselves and focus on one step at a time. 

When it comes to making changes it really comes down to the next right thing.

This might sound like a catchy phrase, but it’s true. We actually do this all of the time with any goals we have reached. Sometimes getting out of bed in the morning is “the next right thing.” Being available for our teenager is the next right thing toward maintaining a good relationship with them. It may be setting a boundary, letting go of a resentment, taking a walk, or taking a deep breath. We might not always notice it because that little step didn’t “fix everything.”

Doing the next right thing has become one of my own personal affirmations. When I am tempted to be self-defeating by mulling over the past or ruminating about the future (future tripping), I will often say to myself, Just do the next right thing. Or when I feel stuck or paralyzed over a thought or situation, I will say to myself, What is the next right thing?  

Over the past year, I have shared this when my young adult children have asked for input or felt overwhelmed and when I am working with couples or individuals around their own recovery and betrayal. I have even shared it with myself many, many times. It sounds oversimplified, but it is very true: the only thing I actually can do is “the next right thing.” I think something inside us responds to this, because it simplifies and reminds us that this is the path forward.  

And if I have a series of “next right things,” I will eventually reach a goal; and beyond that, a series of next right things can lead to a new way of thinking, feeling, and acting. It then becomes a new way I do life, in one or many areas of my life.

I have seen some key principles in my own life, and in the couples and individuals I work with in recovery from addiction and betrayal. These keys create an environment for more clearly seeing and walking out their next right thing.

1. Be present: practice mindfulness.

When we slow down, we are more able to listen to what is going on inside of us and to what the Spirit is saying. How often has the noise of our faulty thinking in our heads and our busyness with life kept us from really listening or being in the moment with what we are currently experiencing? I believe this is a form of “praying without ceasing.” I continue to learn how to check in throughout the day with what’s going on inside of me. So much wisdom comes from tuning in to ourselves and what we sense the Spirit within is saying to us.

2. Care for ourselves: love your neighbor as you love yourself.

I would go as far to say that our recovery rests upon the ability to love ourselves well. Recently, a person shared with me the value of giving unconditional love to ourselves. Everyone else in our life is only human, after all, and are flawed in their ability to love; and we really only have control of our own self. This reminds me of my spouse’s early recovery from sexual addiction, where he often said, “I couldn’t really love you well until I learned to love myself.” I’m so glad he made learning to love himself his first intention, from which I have received the benefit of that growth extending to how he loves me.

If I love myself, I will more naturally protect my values and keep taking steps that reinforce my worth. Out of this love comes the ability to love others, respect them and think of their needs as well as my own. It’s a bit of a snowball toward a more beautiful life. 

3. Develop safety.

It is known that we cannot work on our higher needs if safety in our lives has not been established. If we are in fight, flight, or freeze mode, we have difficulty accomplishing goals. We will be walking around in a type of survival mode. Literally, our nervous system becomes overwhelmed. When we feel safe and connected, our nervous system calms down and we can take steps toward our goals.  

One of the primary ways we create safety is by setting healthy boundaries. This can include boundaries with others or internal boundaries—boundaries within ourselves. Using the analogy of a fence around a physical property: my fence (boundaries) around my property (self) allows me to know “where you end and I begin.” The other part of this, to feel connected, comes from not isolating. It is easy to isolate physically and/or emotionally, but it is actually the enemy.   

I can take steps toward feeling safe and connected, even if my present circumstance has caused me to feel the need to fight, flight, or freeze. By creating boundaries and making new connections with others, over time, I will actually feel this calming of my nervous system, a more clear mind, and the ability to tend to myself and take that next step.

The next right thing is a series of small steps and positive choices that will take you and me toward the goals that are important to us. The everyday practices of creating safety in my life, caring well for myself, and being mindful and present to this day, to this moment I am living in right now, will create an environment for choices and changes that support my values.  

Is there one of these key areas that you would like to grow in? Would it help you to begin regularly asking yourself, What is the next right thing?  

This might just be your next right thing.