Me (to my client during her Pure Desire counseling session):

Self-care is so important, especially during your healing process. Beware of HALT: becoming too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. These are warning signs you’re not taking care of yourself.

Also me (minutes after the session ended):

Hungry because I haven’t eaten and it’s almost 8:00 pm; Angry that I didn’t pre-prep dinner like I told myself I would; Lonely because I’m believing the lie that I have to do it all alone; Tired because I only got 5 hours of sleep last night…

…and realizing that while I can talk the talk, I really do totally stink at walking out my self-care.

I also think, however, that I’m not alone in my self-care stinkiness! Self-care is a hot topic because somehow it can feel selfish, or even weirdly shaming. After all, if I’m focusing on taking care of myself, how can I possibly be that Proverbs 31 woman who “…watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness…”

But, as one of my clients so aptly put it, we can’t pour from an empty cup!

Remember what you hear during the safety instruction spiel from the flight attendants at the beginning of every flight? They tell you that if the oxygen masks drop, put one over your own face first before helping anybody else. 

There’s wisdom in this. I can’t help anyone else if I’m struggling for oxygen myself. 

Part of the problem with figuring out self-care is it’s not a one-size-fits-all thing. What feels like self-care for me may not feel that way for you, so it’s really hard for anyone else to tell me how to care for myself. I have to develop my own menu of self-care experiences.

Think of it this way: you go to a fancy-schmancy restaurant and you are given the menu. On that menu the dishes are grouped into different courses: Appetizers, Main Courses, Side Dishes, Desserts. You choose what appeals to you from these different courses. 

We can use this menu idea to develop a list of self-care options that are appealing to us. Instead of courses, however, we can group our items into categories—Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Relational, Emotional, Financial—and then pick and choose depending on what sounds good for the day.

The following ideas may help you design a self-care menu that works for you:

Physical

Physical self-care can mean so much more than just hitting the gym three times a week. It can mean getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, taking a walk in the fresh air, or making and keeping necessary medical appointments. It can even mean going on a new adventure to a place you’ve never been, or revisiting a vacation spot you enjoy. 

Mental

This is an area in which we can get really lazy. It’s so much easier to turn on the TV and zone out, or scroll social media for hours, than it is to challenge our minds to grow. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good binge-watch as much as anyone, but we also need to encourage our brain to actively work. Pick a subject you’re interested in and find some books, blogs, or podcasts to engage your brain in a new way. Try a new hobby, learn a new language, or do research for the trip you’re planning to take!

Spiritual

When I am engaged in my devotionals, taking the time to quiet myself and listen for God’s direction, I feel so much more calm, grounded, and purposeful in my life. It’s all too easy, though, to put those devotionals off until “later.” It’s important, especially in the early days of our healing process, to develop structure surrounding our spiritual life: find a devotional you enjoy, perhaps purchase a new version of the Bible (I’m currently enjoying The Passion Translation), join or host a small group at your church, find some worship music you like, or get into a habit of daily prayer and meditation. It may be helpful to find accountability people who will challenge you to develop and stick to this habit.

Relational

Many of us have been wounded in relationships and can find it difficult to reach out and jump back in that relational pool. But we are not meant to live in isolation. Along with participating in fun activities with positive people and supportive family members, developing healthy relationships with other women who understand what you’re going through is vital to the recovery process. Engaging in a Betrayal & Beyond or an Unraveled group can provide a safe place to process your trauma and form lasting relationships with other women who understand your healing journey.

Emotional

During this healing process, you may feel you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. Honor these emotions, practice self-compassion, and seek guidance when needed, perhaps through a Pure Desire Individual Clinical Counseling or Spouse Support Counseling program. Journaling, using stress management techniques, tapping into your creative side, and developing healthy boundaries are all ways you can honor the incredible person God created you to be.

Financial Self-Care

I know this may sound strange: what does finances have to do with self-care? However, I have found that poor money management can be a huge contributor to personal stress. Despite what some may tell you, writing and sticking to a budget does not mean never having any fun! In fact, it can actually give you the freedom to have a certain amount of “fun money” every month. An effective budget just means you’re in charge of telling your money where to go, instead of wondering where it went. Personally, I speak budgeting with a Dave Ramsey dialect, but there are many helpful budgeting tools available. Find one that works for you and learn to implement it.

Your first self-care assignment, should you choose to accept it (and I hope you will) is to develop your own menu of self-care activities, and then implement this plan into your daily life. We get depleted daily; we need to fill up our cup daily, too.

It’s not selfish. It’s your oxygen mask.