I love words. For me, words create a beautiful puzzle with the way they connect and intersect to convey the meaning behind our thoughts and feelings. 

Throughout my life, I have seen the way words can breathe life into a person who is going through a difficult season. But I have also seen words used as a weapon, delivering a crushing blow when carelessly thrown around or spoken harshly in the midst of conflict. 

Words are so powerful. This is a lesson I’ve been learning my whole life. 

I grew up in the generation where I was often told: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” This was considered one of those golden rules that everyone was supposed to follow. As a kid, I did my best to follow this rule, but I remember definite times when I violated this rule: when I used my words to talk back to my parents or to hurt my siblings. 

Or I remember one of the first times I said a bad word when I thought no one could hear me…but the window was open. My mom heard and I was reprimanded for it. Obviously, this was not an appropriate word to use in a conservative Christian home. However, this did help me to be more careful with what I said out loud, at least for a while. 

The Impact of a Parent’s Words

As a parent, I had to relearn how to use my words. Really, it was learning how to use my words at a different level, because of the impact my words had on my kids. 

When my boys were young, it was a stressful season of life. They were busy and loud, and I was outnumbered. It seemed like the only way to get their attention was to raise my voice; not because I was angry, but so they would hear and obey me. This was challenging because I found myself yelling at them more than talking with them. 

At one point, I mentioned my struggle with yelling to a group of friends who were also moms. I’ll never forget the advice I was given by an older, more seasoned mom (she wasn’t old, just older than me and had more experience being a mom). She said: “You know, before a person can yell, they need to take a big breath and fill their lungs with air, so they have the capacity to yell. Next time, before you yell, when you take that big breath, imagine you’re breathing in the Holy Spirit.”

This was excellent advice! It made sense to me. In the moment, if I was breathing in the Holy Spirit, then what came out of my mouth should be Spirit filled. It was exactly what I needed to hear and completely changed the way I communicated with my kids. 

In many ways, this completely changed the way we communicated in our home. There was no yelling; no yelling at anyone and no yelling to anyone. For example, if one of the boys was upstairs and yelled, “Mom,…” Instead of yelling back to them, I would walk upstairs and say, “If you need something from me, come to where I am and we’ll talk.” Then I would go back to doing what I was doing, which trained them to come and talk to me, instead of yelling. 

This was also very helpful when we experienced any form of conflict. My boys could talk with me about anything, as long as they used their words in an agreeable way (and used an agreeable tone). If our conversation became elevated or loud, we called a time out, went to our separate rooms to cool off, and then continued the conversation in a calm and respectful manner. This was the normal culture in our home. 

It even became a little comical when my older sons decided to join the military and realized they couldn’t yell, which was required in the military. They spent many days outside, training themselves to yell, “Sir, yes Sir.”

Since I’m a person who likes to understand the “why” behind everything, it was important for me to explain the value of our words to my kids. When the boys were young, this scripture or a paraphrase of it was expressed in our house on a daily basis.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

So when my boys were fighting and using their words to hurt each other, I would say, “What are our words for?” With a sigh, they would say,

• For building others up, 
• according to their needs, 
• that it may benefit those who listen.

The New Living Translation says it this way:

Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)

Our words are not just for us. They have a great impact on those we are speaking to, as well as those who may be listening. 

Giving Voice to My Feelings

In counseling, I learned the power of words in a new way. Several years prior to counseling, my life was chaotic and stressful. In order to navigate the turmoil of my life, I trained myself to shut down my feelings and, for sure, never express them out loud. There was too much risk involved. Being vulnerable with my feelings often meant my words could be used as a weapon against me. 

So when I started counseling, I was very closed off. Even though I knew my counselor was trying to help me, it took some time for me to feel safe with sharing my feelings. Even more so, it became obvious that my emotional awareness had been stunted by the years of keeping my feelings on lock down. This process helped me find my feelings and give voice to them. While it was scary at times—digging deeper into my emotional world and putting words to my feelings—it was extremely empowering. 

The more I worked to understand the connection between my thoughts and feelings, and expanded my feeling words beyond the basics—happy, sad, angry—the better equipped I became to communicate my feelings in a healthy way. Even now, the tools I was given and learned how to use during counseling, I use every day. 

Especially when my thoughts and feelings are distressing, I make time to sit in the discomfort. I evaluate exactly what I’m feeling and how I should name it, what thoughts are taking up brain space, where it’s all coming from, and my next steps forward. Sometimes, this is easier said than done. Depending on the situation, this process can take days or even weeks. But it works for me. It’s a priority for me, because I know what happens when I sidestep this process and put my feelings on lockdown. It’s not good for me or those around me.

In recent years, I’ve been more convicted than ever about the power of words. Scripture tells us that what is in our heart flows from our mouth (Luke 6:45). It also says our words have the power to bring life and death (Proverbs 18:21). These are powerful truths that I never want to take lightly. 

I love words and want to be intentional about how I use them. Whether at home or at work, with family or friends, I want others to know the condition of my heart based on the words I use. And I want my words to encourage and give life to others. I’m not perfect at this and will likely be practicing it the rest of my life, but it continues to be an important part of my healing journey. 

So, how are you using your words today?