Family•Parenting • 4 minutes to read
Am I the only mom who feels like I’ve screwed up my kids beyond repair because of my mistakes, lack of self-control, lack of wisdom, lack of patience, and so on?
- Did I hug them enough?
- Did I read the Bible to them enough?
- Did I tell them I love them enough?
- Did I spoil them enough?
- Did I discipline them enough?
Some days I just sit, broken at the feet of God, asking Him why He entrusted me with such an impossible task.
Parenting is the biggest responsibility I will ever carry. I feel responsible for the ETERNAL SOULS of another four human beings! Sometimes the weight is more than I can bear.
As many of you know, I had my twin boys when I was only 18 years old. I made many mistakes with them as I was learning how to grow up myself. One thing I know, I love these boys something fierce. Even just writing this, my face feels hot with tears because of this incomprehensible love and worry I feel for them. Sometimes I look at my kids and still can’t wrap my brain around the fact that I am their mother! Most days I feel like I’m still in high school and need my mom around to tell me what to do. What on earth am I doing raising PEOPLE when half the time I don’t have my own act together?
Does anyone else feel terrible that their first kid is the guinea pig? That you have to journey through a gigantic learning curve?
I know that I work sunup to sundown for my family but when Mother’s Day rolls around, I still find myself wondering if I’ve done enough. My twins have one more year of high school left. The reality of my time, raising them at home, is almost over and I’m left wondering… Has it been enough?
I might not have enough but I can trust that God does. As I was spending a quiet morning with Jesus, my heart’s worries poured out. How can I be an ambassador of Jesus and a reflection of Him to each of my four kids in the way they need it? Each child has their own unique way of feeling, seeing, and understanding yet I’m only one person! That morning, the story of Thomas’ doubt spoke to me. If you remember, the disciples told Thomas they had seen the Lord but Thomas wouldn’t believe it.
Thomas said plainly,
Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.John 20:25
Now, doesn’t that sound like something a 2021 teenager would say?! I remember being a teen and one of my favorite phrases was “prove it!”
YES! I was onto something here; Jesus was speaking and I was listening.
I started praying.
God, YOU made these children. YOU made them deep thinkers. YOU created them to think for themselves, to be leaders and not followers. God it’s YOU that will have to reveal yourself to each of my kids in the way that speaks to their hearts, the hearts you know inside and out. Speak to them in a way that shows them you are real and you love them. If your word is true and you… “created their inmost being; you knit them together in my womb” (Ashley’s paraphrase of Psalm 139:13) …then PLEASE reveal yourself to this child that YOU created so intricately and LOVE so deeply. I know you do not wish to see one of your children parish. One of your sheep lost.
So please Lord, go after Your children and never let them out of the protection of Your arms. I’m just an ordinary person and I need your help. I’m holding onto Your promises.
I felt so much peace after continuing to read on. I was reminded that Jesus can do this.
Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Thomas said to him, “My LORD and my God!”John 20:27-28
God knows what each of His children needs. I sometimes remind myself that Adam and Eve also made mistakes, even though they had the parent of all parents walking and talking with them!
I am not a failure because my kid messes up. Just because my kid deliberately didn’t do his chores, couldn’t care less about math, or punched his brother doesn’t mean he’s going to grow up to be a Jesus-rebuking, womanizing, criminal.
This Mother’s Day, I am not going to catastrophize my kids’ future or beat myself up about my parenting. I’m going to rest in the hope God offers. He LOVES my kids. HE created them JUST the way they are. HE has a plan to prosper them. I’m going to continue to be the healthiest version of myself, show Jesus’ love, and be an example to my kids. I’m choosing to ride with Jesus and wait in anticipation to see how He works in my precious man-childrens’ lives.
Realistically, I will also probably clean a few spills and referee some fights but I’m going to soak in all of this crazy-wonderful life while I can.
Today, give yourself and your kids permission to be imperfect.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!