BetrayalHealing 5 minutes to read

“I’ve struggled with pornography for the last few years.” 

When I heard these words, it felt like my heart stopped beating and a wave of shock engulfed me. I had never even seen “modern day” pornography. I thought that was something only “dirty men” looked at. I was seriously naive or perhaps terribly ignorant. Maybe both.

My husband told me he had never viewed pornography or masturbated after his teen years, and I believed him. Yet here we were after 13 years of marriage, and he now felt like a stranger. It simply seemed impossible to process what would become our reality—facing the secret basement my husband built around a 48-year porn addiction.

Before this moment in time, I was miserable in my marriage, which was filled to the brim with unresolved dysfunction and already felt broken beyond repair. So, it’s not a stretch to say I would have welcomed this ticket to a guilt-free divorce but that’s not at all how it unfolded. My soul was filled with overwhelming sadness that slowly dug into the core of my being.

It’s hard to believe I’m 55 years old and just now on the path to holistic healing. For my own mental, emotional, relational, and sexual health, I’ve decided to start sharing my story. To embrace my loss and open myself up to love and be loved.  

When the trauma of betrayal hit, I had no tools and was completely unaware of my already unmet need to heal in virtually every area of my life.

My childhood was a mess. I was the daughter of a minister and I was taken to church and taught about Jesus right from the start. However, as I grew and witnessed my father preaching on Sundays but abusing my mom throughout the week—destroying our furniture in fits of rage and absent from any type of nurturing—a significant wound was formed. Even my mother was unable to show up in a way that was healthy under this type of abuse. Therefore, I grew up and lived directly from the wound of feeling numb, not real, and severely disengaged. 

The trauma of my childhood left me detached from who I was authentically. I even lived detached from God, only giving Him what felt safe. This, of course, was an act of innocence and one I was not even aware of—that is, until betrayal.

Betrayal was the catastrophic tsunami that shifted my foundation and forcefully unearthed all the things. Like it or not, I was now drowning in a sea of confusion, turmoil, immense sadness, and so much heartbreaking pain. 

As we walked our journey through counseling, disclosure, and Pure Desire groups, I started waking up to so many needs in my life. Self-care became a new survival tool, comfort became an unfamiliar act I never knew I was desperate for, and my Betrayal & Beyond group became my life jacket—all of which were the catalyst for building a new foundation. 

Facing betrayal was like cleaning out an old dusty attic that was filled with family trauma, boxes full of unmet needs, and closets lined with unhealthy coping behaviors. Yes, my husband’s attic was so full but mine was too. I was in survival mode and felt I had an overflowing mess I did not know how to clean up. Being in a group helped me sort it out and find a starting point. 

In the beginning, I wasn’t crazy about meeting with this small group of women and sharing our deepest needs. I almost quit more than once. It felt awkward sharing with people I didn’t know and even worse, being vulnerable. This was a word I was not familiar with, a feeling I ran from, and something I learned to avoid at all costs.

I was a professional avoider.

I was a strong unshakable woman.

I chose protection over connection.

I stored pain so deep that even I was unaware how lonely and wounded I was.

But the pain of facing betrayal alone was greater than any fears I had of being real with a small group. So I endured all the uncomfortable moments of vulnerability and something grew inside of me. 

I began to understand how brave it was to feel my pain. I learned how to be real through Betrayal & Beyond. I learned how to lean in and allow others to hold my pain. I learned to trust people and depend on relationships. I learned that being able to be strong and rely on myself wasn’t always the healthiest measure of reality. My group leaders (you know who you are) displayed the love of Jesus that engulfed my sorrow. They stood in the gap and I’ll be forever grateful.

We are three years into our recovery story and it’s been jammed packed with ups and downs—filled with hope, doubt, joy, heartache, love, and so much of a mixed bag. Yet, I can say that the amount of growth I have experienced has been incredible! It’s been nothing short of a gift. And my relationships are better for it, especially the one with myself. 

I no longer live in pretense. I am real. I am vulnerable. I am human and I can feel. 

After completing my first Betrayal & Beyond group, I wanted to be a part of the Pure Desire Team. After a few months, I learned of a job opportunity and promptly applied! It’s been a blessing to work beside some of the most caring, creative, and supportive individuals. Being immersed with the Board and supporting the Executive Director has me in the trenches with the mission and vision of Pure Desire. 

As a group co-leader, I’m still amazed at the growth and learning that comes from sharing space with others who are walking this journey. 

I am finding my way with God. Trauma has challenged who I thought I was and yet, I know God’s patient with me. He knows where all the shattered pieces of my life belong. I trust Him to complete His healing process in me and continue to restore my authentic soul.

The views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are those of the author alone and do not reflect an official position of Pure Desire Ministries, except where expressly stated.

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Taunya Jacques

Taunya is an Executive Assistant for Pure Desire. She is inspired by the fact that through Pure Desire we can live as our true authentic selves, fully known and loved in our brokenness. She believes that through our brokenness we not only find hope and healing, but can then share it with others: being a light in the darkness! Taunya is passionate about pouring into the lives of her grandchildren, confident that her own healing will be a significant part of the legacy she leaves them.


  1. 8-0-1

    Hello Taunya,

    Thanks for sharing your story of healing. I’m sure like others there’s so much in your story I can identify with, even though I was the betrayer and not the betrayed, at least not in the case of my marriage. I didn’t start “cleaning out the family attic” until three years ago. I was 60 years old.

    I found a picture of my Mom and Sister and I from the early 60’s. My Mom looked like a ghost, and had a “thousand yard stare’. She had suffered so much from my Father’s abuse, I don’t know how she survived and moved on at all, but she did. But she was not available emotionally. Something I’ve come to totally understand and have forgiven her for. She’s passed on, but my heart breaks for her and any other woman who suffered under such abuse, like your Mom.

    I’m in the process of writing this story for my niece, and you’ve provided a short and concise outline that I can follow. Thank you so much.

    I recently listened to an interview between Dr. Huberman and Dr. Anne Lembke, both Stanford professors. They were discussing addiction recovery. One of the most important points I’ve heard so far is that truth telling and secrets are at the core of recovery. Our prefrontal cortical circuits and their connection to our limbic and reward brains, as she called them, get disconnected by addiction. Telling the truth heals and strengthens these connections and creates intimate connections between those we share the truth with. This interview, along with so many other sources I’ve been exposed to as a result of doing the Seven Pillars course, further confirm for me what scripture teaches and what we learned in Seven Pillars. It’s created for me a completely new paradigm of faith.

    Thanks for sharing your story! May God bless you and keep you. May He set His face to shine upon you, and give you strength.


    1. Avatar photo Taunya Jacques

      Hello Kent! I am encouraged by your comment. Sharing our stories of truth isn’t always easy but as you stated, this is often the core of recovery and what heals and strengthens connections. I am so glad you are on your own journey to healing. It is never too late! Your niece is blessed to have you in her life. We all need so much more love, care and connection with those we do life with. Stay the course!

  2. Avatar photo Trevor Winsor

    Taunya, this is excellent! Well done. Proud of you for sharing your story and writing it so elegantly.

    1. Avatar photo Taunya Jacques

      Thank you Travis!

  3. Bernard Faulhammer

    Thanks, Taunya
    I posted this on my LinkedIn
    So real and powerful

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