My day starts with going to sleep. I watched/binged Netflix until I fell asleep—I do this almost every night, so I guess it’s not really a binge but more of a lifestyle.
My alarm goes off. I hit snooze. I hit snooze again. Funny. My day starts with procrastination.
I wake up and reach for my phone. I start with social media “just to see” what happened since I went to sleep. Scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, I notice that not very many people liked or commented on my post from yesterday. Why didn’t they? Hmm. Maybe they just didn’t see it. I get out of bed and get in the shower. Showering is usually a trigger for me, but because I snoozed, I don’t have time to “get my day started” with masturbation the way I usually do.
I leave the house and am already five minutes late for my first meeting. I’ll try and make up the time on the way. Feeling a little irritated because there are so many cyclists this morning and traffic is worse than normal. I text my boss to let him know that I am running late because of traffic. While waiting at red lights, I’m back on my phone scrolling through YouTube videos. I almost hit someone that stopped quickly in front of me (really it was at a red light that I didn’t notice).
Rushing into the meeting, 20 minutes late, I stop to grab a cup of coffee but it’s all gone because I’m so late. Without making eye contact I let everyone know how bad the traffic was and that I’m frustrated because there isn’t any coffee. They’ve already talked about all the important stuff and I missed it. I come up with something to make a big deal about so that I feel important and a part of the team. Really, I had nothing to bring to the conversation because I’ve been pretty checked out at work lately. I end up making some coffee and put down three cups before the meeting is over.
The workday gets going. I manage to get some things done and feel pretty good about how skilled I am at my job. I get online to check my email. After seeing that I have 200+ emails I check my social media again. I check my most recent post again: I’ve had 10 likes and three comments. Though one of the comments seems like they are trolling and trying to start an argument, it feels good. I’d like to get off of social media—it would feel freeing—but it’s how I stay in touch with so many people. I can stay in touch with my old highschool friends and I can keep up on what some of my ex’s are up to. We don’t stay in touch except for the annual “Happy Birthday” message. One of them is really looking good though––she’s one of the profiles I visit often. Hasn’t aged at all. Might even be better looking. Awesome! It’s lunch time! Man, I just spent two hours on social media. Oops.
I head out to lunch and realize that I never ate breakfast. No wonder I’m so hangry! I’d really like to grab some sushi, but as usual, I’m pretty tight financially. I’m not actually sure why I’m so broke. I worked extra last month so I should be sitting-pretty right now. So instead of sushi, I head over to Chipotle and plan to get a chicken salad. I end up getting a chorizo burrito and yes, I know that guacamole is extra. Full from lunch, I lumber back to the office ready for a nap.
Unmotivated from my giant lunch, I make a few phone calls that I have been putting off. I think about calling my brother because I miss him, but it’s been so long since we talked that it would be awkward. So I don’t. Then I remember that my friend called me a few nights ago. I listen to the message and find out that they really need to hang out (three days ago) because they are going through a rough time. I’m sure they got a hold of someone else. I don’t call them back either.
I remember that my water is going to be turned off because my auto pay on my credit card didn’t go through. I maxed out that card and haven’t changed the billing info. I need to go in person to the water district office to pay. I tell my boss that I need to go meet with a client to talk about some ways I can save the company money. I leave early.
I get to the water district office but they closed at 4:00 and the doors are locked. I snuck in when someone came out. When I get to the counter I tell them I was in the bathroom because I’m not feeling well. I had a big burrito for lunch and it didn’t sit right. They let me pay the bill, but because it is after 4:00 pm it might still get shut off for a couple hours. Fantastic.
On my way home I decided to stop at a bar real quick. Just one beer. Maybe two. I had such a difficult day that I deserve it. Four beers, three hours, and some hot wings later, I get back in the car to go home. When I get home, I say that the reason I’m late is because I had to meet with a client to save the company money. (That worked out well. Told my boss the same thing.) “Who did I meet with? Oh. It was someone you’ve never met.” We get in an argument because I forgot that I said I’d be home by 6:00 pm. Plus, I’m pretty sure that everyone has an idea that I’ve been drinking secretly again. Maybe they don’t. I’m pretty consistent with what I tell people.
I run to the store to get some laundry detergent. I haven’t had clean underwear for about a week. At the grocery store, I see a cute person and want to look more. I don’t need anything down this aisle but I pretend to look at magazines so I can check them out. Why aren’t they looking at me? I clear my throat this time when I walk by. Maybe they are just intimidated because they find me attractive. Or do they? I check Facebook again. No more likes or comments. It’s because I’m unattractive and I realize that nobody likes me. I head over to the checkout line with the cute worker. Right when I walk up, they change with another employee. What’s wrong with me! Even the cashier is avoiding me.
On the way home, a song comes on the radio that I’ve never heard. I wonder who it is so I pull over to Shazam it. Oh. I’ve never heard of that band before. I look up pictures of the band. As I start scrolling through images I realize the lead singer is hot. Okay. I wonder if they have ever posed topless or nude. Before long, one pic leads to another and I’m on my “go to” porn site. I quickly masturbate in my car on the side of the road before I head back home.
Everyone else is asleep. I go to start my laundry but then I realize that I didn’t buy the one thing that I went to the store for. Instead, I came home with a candy bar and a magazine. I remembered that I got a sample of Tide in the mail. I put that in the washer and push start. Nothing happens. My water is turned off! I just paid! Those pieces of *%!#! I sit on the couch angrily. I wonder if there are more pics of that lead singer. I end up spending the next hour bingeing on porn and masturbating again.
I crack open that candy bar and watch a couple of episodes on Netflix, falling asleep during the second one. That’s fine. I’ll come back and watch it again tomorrow night.
Exhausted I go get in bed. Laying there I think briefly about how my life isn’t what I want it to be. I promise myself that I won’t do it again and ask God to take away the “spirit of lust.” Maybe I should look into one of those recovery programs. Either way, I don’t think it really matters. I’m never actually going to stop this hellish cycle. I’m a failure. Like my grandpa used to say, “If at first you don’t succeed, it’s because you’re a failure.”
Robert is the Associate Pastor at The Oregon Community and is one of our Pastoral Sex Addictions Specialists at Pure Desire Ministries. He also is one of the founders of the Oregon Public House. Robert and his wife, Rebecca, are the owners of Woodlawn Swap-n-Play.