The Freedom Found in New Water

For the last 40 years or so, I have experienced many dark days. Days that were emotionally, physically, and spiritually challenging. Days where I had felt no hope at all. Days where the thought of ending it would be so much better—thinking that life would be better without me in it. For the last 40 years, I have been suppressing a lot of pain, shame, and guilt. Though I have worked on healing so much of this, some would not go away. And it was easy for me to believe the lies of the enemy—lies that told me I was not worthy, I would never amount to anything. Lies that said I was damaged goods, that God didn’t really care about me, and that God only put up with me because he had to.

All this finally changed on a recent trip to Wyoming with 20 Pure Desire leaders from around the U.S. It was the power of the healing water. I had no idea this was going to happen or if I actually wanted to receive it, yet God showed up in the midst of tremendous pain and darkness unlike no other. The tough thing is, I put myself there for years. I believed it was the safest place for me.

A Cry for Thirst

It is amazing to think that God knows what we need when we need it. I had no idea what I needed or wanted and, better yet, if I deserved any of what God was about to give me. I was crying out for something. I wasn’t sure who, what, where, or when it was going to happen or who was even going to respond. And, to be honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted any response. It was easy being alone. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

Recently, prior to the trip to Wyoming, my niece passed away. She lived a very hard life. And for much of this time, for the last 30 years, I have blamed myself for her hard life. She really struggled a lot and I couldn’t help but feel responsible for the way she lived. Not a day went by that I didn’t beat myself up about it. I constantly criticized myself and believed all of the lies I told myself. My niece who passed away was the one I sexually abused when I was 14. So I believed her struggles were my fault. This was a weight I couldn’t seem to get rid of and it started to wear me down.

Not only was I carrying the weight of what I had done to my niece, but I was carrying the pain of the abuse that I experienced as a child, that later resulted in some same sex attraction in my acting out behaviors. I held on to this part of my story for a long time, but never really dealt with it until three weeks prior to the trip—when all these feelings bubbled to the surface and I couldn’t keep them down any longer.

I had done so much damage to myself and others in my life that I truly felt it was time for me to go. Yet God showed up when my well had run dry, and not only did he show up, he showed up in force in the mountains of Wyoming.

“… but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 

John 4:14 (ESV)

A Moment with Jesus

“Behold, I am doing a new thing … I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

Isaiah 43:19 (ESV)

During this trip one morning, I walked down to the river and just sat. (The actual spot is the banner picture for this blog.) I love nature and the sound of the river—the run off from the mountains made it flow quickly and abundantly.  As I sat there with Jesus, I lost it. I started crying, and not just simple tears but big tears. As I sat there, I had a conversation with my niece. I truly believe God has redeemed her and that she is living alongside him in Heaven. I asked her to forgive me. I apologized and promised to live a life that would make her proud. I promised to be better and do better.

At that moment, it was as though I backed up my dump truck full of pain, fear, unforgiveness, doubt, and years of lies, and released it all into the river—I let the river take it away.

In John 7:38-39, Jesus said:

“Whoever believes in me … ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’ Now this he said about the Spirit …”

The Final Cast

On the last day of the trip, I finally heard God say it was time for me to get in the water and fish. I had been holding off since we got there. After releasing my years of pain into the river two days prior, it was time—and God had something special for me on the day. 

As I walked down to the river with Brodie, our guide, we were talking about the river. He told me that there’s something about the water—it’s new water. Every time it hits you, it’s new and it washes the old away. As I was in the water it felt like I was being washed clean again and that God was baptizing me this time around. Like never before, I felt a renewed sense of freedom.

I prayed before I cast out the first fly, Lord, let me catch a fish for my wife, myself, and my niece. And he honored this prayer. The third fish I caught was the most beautiful rainbow trout I had ever seen. As Brodie got it into the net, we both sat there and looked at it. He said he had never seen a fish this beautiful before (and he fishes all the time!). The color was radiant. As we sat there and took in the beauty with tears in our eyes, I was amazed by Brodie’s comment. He said “… beauty from ashes …,” and God provided this for me that day.

As we set this trout free, I felt free. I was able to release all my pain and release my niece to Jesus. This is something I will never forget. I was truly amazed to see God show up in the river with me that day. I felt his presence like I’ve never felt before!

Revelation 21:6 reminds us:

“To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.”

The water is free and your sins have been paid for. I encourage you to not be afraid to drink from the Living Water and let the Holy Spirit cleanse you. God has something far greater for you than you could imagine and greater than what you think you deserve. If you’re feeling like your well is running dry, I pray this encourages you.

You are loved and accepted.

You may feel worthless, but God says you are worth it!

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” 

John 3:16 (ESV)

God says you are a new creation.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 

2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)

You are forgiven.

You are adopted by God.

You say you are broken, but God says he will make you whole again.

You may feel rejected, but God says you are his.

You may feel hopeless, but God has a plan for you. 

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” 

Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)

Questions to Think About

Where in your life are you drawing from a dry well?

In what areas of your life can you allow God to provide new water for you?

If you would like to talk with us at Pure Desire, we’re here to help. 

Please don’t pass on this opportunity to experience the Living Water. There is nothing you can say or do that will ever separate you from the love of God. 

The views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are those of the author alone and do not reflect an official position of Pure Desire Ministries, except where expressly stated.