The Ideal Group Member: Being Willing

Many people who contemplate joining a Pure Desire group, or have already registered, and are waiting for their group to start, may be anticipating that first initial meeting.

• Who will be in my group? 
• What is it going to be like to talk about my story? 
• What will my leader be like?

These are just a few of the many questions that circulate as we wait.

I have led many groups and I can attest that the makeup of each group is so different. 

Our trained online group leaders’ primary job is to create a safe environment for men and women to feel comfortable to share deep, personal information with one another—to bring what was once in the dark (hidden) into the light of healing, despite the makeup of the group members and their stories.

When a group leader completes a group, I love hearing bits of their stories of growth as they reflect over the months of their group. Whether it’s a struggling partner or a betrayed partner, we are all on a journey of growth; of sanctification; of self-discovery. It is truly a gift to be a guide and a witness.

I can best illustrate this by sharing a couple of examples.

You’re Never too Old to Find Your Voice

“Stella” joined a Betrayal & Beyond group. She showed up very timid and careful. She often second-guessed her feelings, and wasn’t sure if she could trust her own eyes. She was in her 70s and had known deep down for decades that something was very wrong in her marriage. She had suspected her husband’s addiction, but really was unsure how to pursue healing. 

Upon finding a Pure Desire group, and eventually counseling, gradually, Stella began to find her voice. As she dove into the questions and learned to connect to her feelings, not push them under the proverbial rug, she learned to advocate for her needs and to set healthy boundaries. As the group began to wind down, and she and her husband were about to face a full disclosure, she continued to reach out to the group for support. Although she was uncertain of the result, she had learned that this was a much needed step, not only herself but her husband as well. 

After completing the full disclosure, Stella had faced one of her biggest fears. She found it to be very difficult, but learned that her husband had been honest with her. They were able to begin rebuilding on a foundation of truth.The following September I saw Stella and her husband at the Pure Desire Summit. I was filled with joy when her husband said, “thank you” for supporting his wife, and I was able to get a big hug from this wonderful, courageous woman who found her voice in a Pure Desire group.

Amazing Grace = Confidence in Identity

“Liz” started an Unraveled group feeling pretty defeated. She felt hopeless that she could overcome her compulsive sexual behaviors. She wanted to, and joined the group feeling somewhat hopeful, but a couple weeks into the process she saw that this wasn’t a “quick fix.” This would require a lot of work, reflection, accountability, and effort from her. 

The first couple months she had highs and lows. The highs came with a lot of self-discovery and the lows came from still trying to hold on to old behaviors while beginning to incorporate new behaviors.

As Liz embraced the accountability of the group, she learned it was safe to reach out when she was experiencing temptation. With a few relapses that were met with curiosity to grow, rather than shame that fed the lies she believed, she finally found a helpful plan—a simple word—she could text the group when she was feeling lonely or bored, which was her slippery slope to relapse.

Each time Liz had success in overcoming her desire to act out, the confidence that emerged was beautiful. It was a confidence in who she was in her imperfections. It was a confidence in the grace that the Lord had poured over her, and she was learning to extend it to herself. It was a confidence in accepting who God created her to be. 

These victories allowed Liz to understand the ways she had been “dropped” in her past by those who should have cared for her. This new grace allowed her to see she didn’t have to measure up to a standard which was really set by no one, and was unattainable. She only needed to understand and pursue the plan God had for her life.

By the end of the group, she had already passed on tools to other women in her community and began making plans to lead a group with her peers.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

“Sara” started in a Betrayal & Beyond group angry, stressed out, and ready to pounce. Sara’s upbringing included men who left her, which trained her to keep her emotional walls up. And now, once again, the man in her life didn’t measure up.

She was quick with her tongue, which was her weapon of choice. She mainly joked about it, but underneath her wall of protection she saw the damage it was doing. Sara had learned this from her mother who was highly dedicated to her kids, despite her own deep pain and loss, and taught them to be self-sufficient; resilient.

For Sara, being self-sufficient meant that she worked more than 60 hours a week. Over the course of our group, she realized the detrimental effects this had on her kids, her husband, and, most importantly, herself. Eventually this started affecting her health. She cut back to working 5 days a week, and then down to 4 days a week.

Sara didn’t know what self-care was. Self-care to her was taking care of others. Anyone who had a need, Sara was there to help. The anger subsided, grace and kindness were applied, and her joy and humor began to come back to bless us all. In time, she realized the value of healthy boundaries. It was truly transformational.

Sara went on to lead groups and we stay in touch almost daily. Sara dove into her relationship with Jesus by digging into the Word. When challenges came up, she would run to Him, run to the Word, grab the new tools she learned, and apply as needed.

Sara would probably tell you now, that life is always full of ups and downs. Healing is not a one and done, but keep your tools close, keep Jesus closer … lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

If I had to say who is an “ideal group member,” I’d say, “YOU ARE!”

Come to group with your anger, with your pain, with your doubts, with your issues, with your past. Bring it all!

If there is even a smidge of willingness, we can work with that. Be willing to dig in. Be willing to be honest. Be willing to be uncomfortable. Be willing to do the work.

Be willing to receive hope. Be willing to be loved. Be willing to grow. Be willing to receive grace.

The views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are those of the author alone and do not reflect an official position of Pure Desire Ministries, except where expressly stated.