I don’t remember much about her. I can’t even remember her name. In my defense, it was over 30 years ago! But the impression she made on me back then still lingers.

She was the wife of my then-fiance’s friend. They had met and married when they were both very young, very fit, and very attractive. 

Today, they would be the perfect social media couple.

They had been married a year and just had a baby. She gained a lot of weight, which greatly affected her self-image. She felt he didn’t love her because of her weight gain. He felt ignored because her focus was on the baby and on weight loss, not on their relationship. Whoever’s reality was right, and whatever other factors were involved, the marriage was clearly in trouble. 

One day she cornered me in her kitchen, while the guys were outside.

“How do you do it?” She asked, with a sense of frustration mixed with anger.

“Do what?” 

“How do you make men happy?” 

I was a little taken aback, actually. This was a woman who had often made me feel inferior—let’s just say I’m not exactly “perfect social media” material—and she was asking ME for advice on how to make a man happy?

She didn’t give me time to formulate a response, though, before she went on talking about her plans to lose weight, with the assumption that it would be the answer.

I know you won’t be surprised when I report that weight loss was not the answer to her marital problems. 

Because the thing is, she was never asking the right question in the first place.

It’s not just about making your spouse happy, or the stars aligning so that you just happen to be that couple who has a good marriage. Dr. Ted Roberts has stated often that marriage was designed by God to grow us up and to heal us from negative limbic patterns and triggers of our past. But we have to partner with God to make this happen. If we don’t, then we, like my friend, are going to focus on the wrong things and ask the wrong questions.

When a couple first engages in the Pure Desire counseling process, they can be much like my friend: desiring a quick fix to their marital issues through “better communication” or “conflict resolution” techniques, and then become disappointed when they hear there’s much work to do before they get there! Healing and growth take time and intentionality. But, speaking from both personal and professional experience, it is so worth the effort.

So let’s ask the right question and investigate some things we can do to answer it.

What are some steps to relational health?

1. Fully embrace the fact that you are on the same team.

While it is important to establish healthy boundaries during the early betrayal or addiction recovery process, it is also important to remember that you are both on the same team. Your spouse is not the enemy–the enemy is the enemy, and he would love nothing better than to destroy your team. 

When we have been hurt in our relationship, our spouse can become the target of our pain. We approach him or her from a perspective of defensiveness, rather than believing they have our best interests at heart. This can lead to us throwing figurative spears at each other and holding shields that keep each other at bay. 

In chapter three of Connected: Building a Bridge to Intimacy, Dr. Ted guides a couple through writing a “Drop Your Weapon” letter as a way to acknowledge our defensiveness. He writes,

You will never experience all that God has for you as a couple until you drop your weapons. If you defend yourself by attacking your spouse, then contempt will become your perspective and research has shown that nothing kills a relationship more than believing, ‘I am right and you are wrong!’

2. Realize we are always either moving toward or moving apart.

Relationships are fluid, but our goal with our spouse should be to always be moving toward each other. This doesn’t necessarily mean huge romantic gestures, but it does mean establishing regular points of connection. While there will be those times of moving apart, the goal should be to move back toward as quickly and smoothly as possible. This is especially important during times of high relational stress (i.e., recovery, a move, parenting, a change of lifestyle, aging parents, etc.). Some ideas to try:

FANOS check in: Set aside 20 distraction-free minutes a few times a week. Talk with each other about, 

• Feelings: Describe what and how you’re feeling; 
• Affirmations: Find one or two things you can affirm about your partner; 
• Needs: Name something you need today; 
• Ownership: Take responsibility and apologize for something you’ve done or said; 
• Self-care: Share about the status of your self-care and/or sobriety.

Read and discuss a book together: Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk is highly recommended.

Use conversation starters: such as “The Ungame” original version.

3. Deal with conflict appropriately.

In his book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman states that 69% of the conflicts in marriage will not be solved, as they are due to differences in personality traits (i.e., he likes car shows, I like Broadway shows) or longstanding issues (i.e., aging parents needing support). However, these can be managed well so that they don’t turn into gridlocked problems in the relationship. 

“Regrettable Incidents” (aka, arguments) will happen. You are two imperfect people, coming together from two imperfect families of origin. Gottman describes six skills for managing conflict in a relationship. Briefly, they are:

• Soften the start of the conversation 
• Complain but don’t blame
• Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You”
• Describe what is happening, but don’t judge
• Be polite and appreciative
• Don’t store up things 

My husband and I have come through a lot in our years together. The first few were not easy; thankfully, a year into our marriage we found Dr. Ted and Diane Roberts as they developed Pure Desire Ministries from the pulpit of East Hill Church. We are blessed now to be able to support other marriages through this same ministry. Sometimes I wonder, if I had this knowledge to impart to my friend more than 30 years ago, would it have helped her marriage survive? I don’t know. It takes willing and humble hearts to do this work, to believe the best of each other, and to work together to create a healthy and thriving marriage. This isn’t for everyone.

But for those of us who are willing to make the commitment to strive for a healthy marriage, it is the greatest adventure imaginable!