Whether in recovery from unwanted sexual behaviors or healing from betrayal, this process can feel a bit daunting. Especially when we hear that it can take years. One of the reasons recovery and healing can take so long is because, in order for lasting change to take place, we need to change our brain. 

I was recently asked, “How do we actually renew our mind and change our brain?” This is an excellent question! The answer: through our behavior. 

Everything we do originates in our brain—every thought, feeling, sensation, and behavior. Throughout our lifetime, we’ve trained our brain to do specific things. The way we think, respond to situations, and even process our world is based on how our brain has been taught.  

If we want to experience brain change, we need to retrain our brain to do something different. To think in a different way. To respond differently. To process our world in a new, healthy, and different way.

It’s not enough to simply stop doing the things that are harmful to us. We need to replace these behaviors with something new. A new healthy behavior that will create new neural pathways in our brain. This is how we change our brain for health. 

Here are a few things I’ve found helpful when creating a healthy brain.

Choose One Thing

When it comes to changing our behaviors, we will be most successful when we focus on one thing at a time. Giving ourselves time and space to allow change to take place is a great approach! And choosing something that is specific to us will have the greatest impact. 

We could talk all day long about the importance of getting quality sleep each night, eating a healthy diet, and getting regular exercise. These are all good things. But let me give you a specific example I shared with a friend who was struggling with emotional awareness and making sense of her feelings. She was unable to identify exactly what she was feeling and, at the same time, felt overwhelmed by what she was feeling. 

This was my recommendation: on a piece of paper or in a journal, write down one word that describes how you’re feeling and then leave it. Walk away. Throughout the day, go back to where you wrote the word and look at it, but don’t do anything else with it. Again, walk away. Do this several times throughout the day. 

Then on the following day, when you have some time, sit down and write out anything that comes to mind regarding the word. Just let yourself go. Be intentional to stay focused on your one feeling word throughout this writing process. There are no wrong answers. It’s more about allowing yourself time and space to make sense of what you’re feeling and, perhaps, shed light on why you’re feeling this way. 

For my friend, this was an enlightening and liberating experience. She wrote several pages about this feeling word, which she had never done before. She no longer felt burdened by this feeling, or afraid of it, and was able to explain why she was feeling this way. She felt empowered by this process and plans to use it regularly. 

Doing a simple exercise like this, on a regular basis, will help to create new neural pathways in her brain and contribute to healthy brain change.

I typically recommend focusing on one thing at a time for at least 30 days. This gives you and your brain time to adjust to this new behavior, which normally takes time. It also allows you to experience the positive outcome of doing something new and discovering it works! 

Give Yourself Time

Many of us who embark on a healing journey want the fast pass. We want to get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible. Who wouldn’t? But if we want to create lasting change in our brain, we need to slow down and give ourselves the time we need to create sustainable change. 

Think of it this way: if we have many areas we want to change, how much time will it take for us to create behaviors that are sustainable? Sustainable meaning that once we’ve done the work to implement this behavior into our daily lives, we are able to regularly maintain the behavior going forward. To some extent, it becomes part of our healthy lifestyle. Since we often have multiple areas to work on, and focusing on one specific behavior at a time, it’s going to take a while. 

Looking back at my friend’s case, if she focuses on this one new behavior for at least 30 days, she will change her brain, create more emotional awareness, and feel empowered to take on another area she wants to change.

Practice, Practice, Practice

When it comes to brain change, this is key: practice, practice, practice. 

If we want to get better at something, we need to practice it. As we repeat behaviors, the neural pathways in our brain become stronger and function almost automatically. The new behaviors we’re putting into practice become easier. They become an integral part of our routine. This is also one of the ways we can tell we’re getting healthier. 

And as the saying goes:

Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes permanent.

For my friend who is working to create more emotional awareness, if she continues to practice writing down one feeling word at a time, and then going through the writing process to explore what she’s feeling and why, this will become second nature to her. Instead of feeling overwhelmed and fearing her emotions, she will recognize the benefits of this process and continue to use this as a foundational tool on her healing journey. 

The great part is that as she continues to become more emotionally aware, she will also become more resilient toward her feelings. She will be able to face her feelings with confidence, even those that seem to come out of nowhere, because she has a tool that is working for her, to bring about healthy changes in her life. 

How do we actually change our brain? We change our brain by changing our behaviors. And processes like this work for almost any type of behavior change. Whether it’s changing our negative self-talk, or eating healthier, or spending more time on self-care. Choosing one thing to focus on, giving ourselves time, and practicing. And practicing. And practicing. 

This is how we change our brain. By putting healthy behaviors in place that, over time, will help to create new neural pathways in our brain and support our journey toward health.