Addiction•Betrayal•Emotional Health • 11 minutes to read
Several years ago, I wrote a blog post titled, “Is Porn Adultery?” that created a bit of a stir and some negative feedback, both when it was first published and also when it was re-posted last year. Many people—primarily spouses who had been betrayed in their marriage—reached out, or commented on social media, that the post was hurtful or even offensive.
If you were one who happened to reach out or comment, I want to say thank you for your feedback and for having the courage to let your voice be heard. I hear you. Words matter and how they make people feel matters, even if it is not how they were intended. You are helping me learn and grow. I am especially grateful to those who took the time to spell out WHY the post was hurtful to them. You have helped me see my words in a different light and understand where the post went off track.
If I could summarize the gist of the negative feedback, I would state it this way: my original post left readers feeling that I believe pornography use—no matter how much or how often—is never a biblical basis for divorce since it doesn’t involve physically acting out. Many of you also thought, because I wrote the post as the Executive Director of the ministry, perhaps this is the stance of Pure Desire as well. I can see how you perceived this, and I am sorry. I apologize if, in any way, I sounded like I was rationalizing porn use or justifying bad behavior. I did not mean, in any way, to minimize the pain that non-physical sexual betrayal like lust, pornography, or other forms of erotica of the heart and mind can have in a marriage or any relationship. This was not the intent of the post.
The purpose of this second post is not to defend myself, but to hopefully bring some clarity to this topic of pornography, betrayal, and divorce. In truth, the first post could more accurately have been titled, “In Matthew 5 is Jesus saying specifically that any and all porn use is a justifiable reason for divorce?” But that is a horribly long and unattractive name for a post. I would continue to argue that from the lens of biblical interpretation, this was not Jesus’ intent or purpose in what he said in the Sermon on the Mount. The only reason Jesus gives for divorce in this one place, Matthew 5, is for a physical affair (5:31). My goal in the first post was to caution spouses—male and female—from using this one verse as a proof text to justify divorce any time the other spouse had lusted even once. This one verse in Matthew 5 is insufficient to build on for a biblical approach to divorce. I was watching a few friends go through this exact situation at the time and I hurt for them.
However, I recognize that ongoing use of pornography, or “affairs of the mind” as it has been called by some, is often a contributing factor to one spouse needing to make very difficult and lasting decisions about the future of their marriage.
Some of this comes from my own story. For the first 10 years of our marriage, I struggled with pornography. Unlike most who struggle, I didn’t keep this pattern totally hidden but confessed to my wife likely 10-15 times in that timeframe. I was trying desperately to stop, and when I would promise that my most recent relapse was the last time, I meant it. But it never was. After 10 years of this, my wife’s spirit was crushed and her trust in me was so destroyed that she was beginning to disengage. When I tell this story publicly, I have often stated, “She was ready to leave me and she would have been right to do so.” I had broken our vows, I was continuing to hurt her, and I knew it. In our story, though, like in a majority of others, the issue at stake wasn’t only the pornography. As my wife frequently says about that era of our marriage: “It wasn’t just the porn—we could have dealt with that. It was the lying, the cover up, and the feelings of being manipulated that were destroying the marriage.”
I want to be clear: Yes, pornography is a form of adultery. Just like looking at another person lustfully (Matt. 5:28), Jesus describes viewing porn as a form of adultery.
But—and this is a hard step for some to take—it would be a mistake to then jump to “All forms of adultery are equal and immediate grounds for divorce.” In his article, Porn Use as Grounds for Divorce; How My Opinion Changed, Covenant Eyes author Luke Gilkerson says exactly this under the heading, “Straw-Man Arguments.”
“Bad Argument #2: Porn = Lust = Adultery = Grounds for Divorce…There are a couple major problems with this argument. First, it misapplies Jesus’ own words…Second, to suggest instances of lust provide grounds for divorce is to give nearly any spouse in the world grounds for divorce. This liberalizes Jesus’ position so much it makes Him worse than the Pharisees he was rebuking.”
I think most Bible-believing Christians would agree that a single instance of lust, or porn use, should not be used as grounds for divorce. Whereas, I believe most of us, if not all, would agree that a single instance of a physical affair does create biblical grounds for a divorce. But between these two issues—one-time porn use and a physical affair—lies an ocean of undefined gray areas, questions and “what about” scenarios. Many of you who replied to my post are somewhere in this very difficult place. The porn use is definitely more than once, and you are also likely experiencing hurt from other behaviors in the marriage, such as lying, gaslighting, neglect, emotional withdrawal, and/or various forms of abuse. All of this is horrible. At what point do these behaviors add up to a biblical reason for divorce?
As a friend of mine in a partner ministry wisely asked, “Would an emotional ‘affair’ be considered adultery and grounds for divorce? Where do we draw the line? There are many types of sexual immorality that may not include physical intercourse. What if the pornography use involved images and videos of assault of minors? Animals? Is that less egregious than a physical affair?” As this friend pointed out, these are complicated topics, and where we draw the lines about divorce is very personal, based on the particulars of each circumstance, and rooted deeply in our beliefs about God and the Bible.
One standard I have offered to others along these lines is to look beyond the behavior to the attitude of the heart. Many spouses struggling habitually with pornography—without change—are also involved in sin that is 1) persistent, 2) willful, and 3) unrepentant. I refer to an unrepentant person as someone who is unwilling to turn from their sin and walk in a different way. This situation can be an “unimaginable nightmare” for the other spouse. In this case, the biblical grounds for divorce have very little, if anything, to do with pornography alone, and have everything to do with a heart issue. At some point, could or should this person pursue divorce? I think this is a question best answered on a case-by-case basis, with the help of friends and godly advisors, but I believe they would have biblical grounds to consider divorce.
I believe it would take a whole book to accurately unpack a consistent system of when divorce is biblically justified, and I don’t think this is my role for any of you, especially not in a post. I feel my role is to proclaim a message of hope in Christ and to build a ministry that helps individuals and couples heal. God’s heart is for the restoration of relationships, and this is our primary focus at Pure Desire. At the same time, restoration in a relationship takes two people, and both parties may not be equally committed to that restoration.
With this in mind, let me give you five take-aways I have had from this whole conversation with all of you:
1. To the struggling spouse: make no excuses.
If you are the one struggling with lust, fantasy, or pornography you need to humbly accept that you are participating in a behavior Jesus calls adultery. Go back and read the first post. My whole point was to say to you—the struggler—that in Matthew 5 Jesus is calling us to take lustful thoughts just as seriously now as God will in eternal judgment. While Jesus may not intend for you to literally “gouge out your eyes,” he IS literally saying to take your struggle this seriously and to lean on Christ as your only way of being made righteous.
If you ever hear yourself saying any of the following, either out loud or in your own private thoughts, this ought to be a warning light as big as the Empire State Building that you are deep into the excuses:
- “Well, at least it’s not…”
- “What I’m doing isn’t as bad as…”
- “Compared to others, my behavior is not a big deal because…”
No, no, and no. Your personal integrity, or lack thereof, is a big deal. So make no excuses and take your recovery very seriously. This is ultimately what your spouse wants to see—a humility that says, “I get it. I recognize how grievous my sin is to God and how hurtful it is to you, and I am going to do anything in my power to change and heal.” And then, go and put your money where your mouth is and do whatever it takes to get free.
2. Keep in mind that the whole teaching of the Bible presents divorce as a final outcome, not a first step.
Regardless of where you stand personally or theologically on what constitutes biblical grounds for divorce, I hope we can all agree on this statement. The focus of Scripture—both the Old and New Testament—is a marriage relationship built on commitment, fidelity, and the ultimate redemption of all relationships in Christ. To dissolve this oneness created by God in marriage is something we should do slowly, carefully, and prayerfully. So whether you are the spouse who is struggling with your sin, and thinking that giving up and giving in would be easier, or if you are the spouse who is deeply wounded and betrayed, choose to see divorce as the last option after all others have been exhausted.
A healthy marriage does take two, but I have also seen numerous marriages survive on the faith of just one. At what point does the one who is trying to work on the marriage—or suffering in an abusive situation—need to make a permanent change? Read on!
3. Either way, pursue ample amounts of good advice.
Every situation is unique and personal. For anyone to make a blanket statement about what constitutes the end of a marriage would be foolhardy. Certainly, there are situations where the extent of the abuse or the severity of what’s happened make divorce a necessary next step. But how can we know if this is our situation or if perhaps we have given up hope too soon? The book of Proverbs tells us, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” When we go to people we know, who we trust to point us toward Jesus, we can see our situation with greater clarity.
A divorce has long term consequences on the whole family and the impact can be felt for generations. Why would we ever take this step simply because our heart says, I’m done? When other godly advisors around us confirm the wisdom of what we see, then we can know with greater assurance that we are on the right path.
4. If you are in the middle of pain, proceed slowly!
The reality is that pain makes us myopic. We become laser-focused on the cause of pain and we will want to do whatever is necessary to get rid of the pain. This is human nature and a normal desire. But sometimes, in our desire to stop the pain, we can cause greater problems or irreparable damage. Or we might miss some outside, helpful perspectives. Because of this, if we are in deep relational pain, we need to explore other means of finding health and safety first, so that the intense pain can subside. Then, from a place of greater emotional and spiritual health and clarity, we can make long-term decisions with true wisdom.
This is why, in many cases, a therapeutic separation or even a season for married couples to cohabitate in separate bedrooms can provide enough space for alternative and more hopeful steps to be considered.
5. If you make the decision to divorce, continue to work on your health and recovery.
While a divorce may be necessary in some cases, and help to create the boundaries and safety you need, a divorce will not make you whole. While you may finally have some firm footing to begin moving forward, you will need the help and support of others who have walked through this door and found hope on the other side. You are likely still reeling from the trauma you’ve experienced, so I hope you will find a safe landing spot to keep working on you. “The big problem” may be out of your life, but left behind will be a multitude of smaller triggers, pain points, and shame messages. Prioritize your health for a season—for as long as it takes—to become healthy and whole in your sense of worth and identity before God and others. This will set you up for whatever comes next—whether a new relationship or a new lifestyle of singleness.
The bottom line is that lust and pornography in ANY amount undermines a faithful marriage. Determining when it has so eroded the relationship that divorce is a necessary option is a complicated process requiring much discernment, community, and prayer.
My prayer for you is that if you or someone you love is asking themselves some of these very hard questions that you will have hope: hope either in the resurrection of the marriage or hope in God’s good plans even after the marriage ends. Hope keeps us alive and takes us continually back to the One who is Himself our hope.
The views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are those of the author alone and do not reflect an official position of Pure Desire Ministries, except where expressly stated.
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As a survivor of a marriage where my ex husband looked at porn for years without telling me I was being cheated on, this is very triggering. To clarify, if my husband had come to me with tears and confessed to me the first time that he had looked at a woman other than me naked, and if he had begged for my forgiveness, and had told me as soon as he possibly could, I wouldn’t have divorced him, but I am not sure that I could ever have had sex with him again or let him see my body naked. It would also have taken me some time to work with God to hopefully enable me to forgive him, and I’m notlying it would have been very hard to open myself up to being romantic with him again or having that emotional openness etc, kissing etc. But I trust with God’s help I would have got there, but like I say I don’t think I would have been open to sex again. Possibly, if God had done a miracle, to sex under covers without seeing my body eventually. But the ability to be myself naked without any comparison would have been completely gone. I wouldn’t have divorced,and I would have absolutely worked towards forgiveness, but the reality when sin enters is even with forgiveness there are consequences to sin, and for me one of those consequences would have been an unwillingness to show my body again in its vulnerable, nude form.
When you save yourself for marriage, (and that was a hard thing for me to do), you expect the other spouse to also view the marriage bed with the same respect. You talk as if there is such a huge difference between looking at a woman naked and physically being intimate with her. But the difference is not huge at all. Based on what my husband said he had in fact seen more of this woman’s body than he had mine, in different ways than he had ever seen mine, and he had of course responded sexually to the other woman (which obviously over time became many women). Nowhere in your article do you note this fact that porn usually isn’t just looking at another woman’s most private parts, but it involves sexually responding to that particular woman’s private parts, and to her naked body. It really is not very different at all to being in the same room as that woman and having full sex. The horror for me of my husband seeing another woman naked was just as great, if not more great, as it would have been if he had had full sex with her. As the seeing of the body, and the choosing of another body other than the wife’s, is what brings the total humiliation to the wife, the comparison, the being replaced etc etc.
Like I say above, unfortunately in my case my ex husband didn’t come to me in tears and confess he had broken his vows to be faithful to me alone and that the marriage bed was for me alone. He chose to start a life of deception, and not to fight for whatever relationship we had. And the problem when someone lives a life of deception is if they lie well it becomes impossible to ever trust them again as you would simply never know when you were being played and taken for a fool again.
I do appreciate that you seem to have wanted to listen to previous comments on a previous article, and that you are open to listening and learning. Based on what I read above I get the impression you think Christian women should be ok and ready and willing to accept occasional porn use in their marriages, as long as it doesn’t get very consistent and doesn’t involve minors or animals. To be that expectation of marriage is horrifying. What woman would want to get married if her husband is allowed that low standard of behaviour?
I do agree that pornography use would be grounds for divorce, see my comment below. But I do want to emphasize that it is meant as a worst case scenario. Forgiveness and reconciliation should be prioritized as their success will result in the best outcome as hard as that is to believe. Additionally, reconciled marriages can stand as an amazing testimony of the real power of the Gospel.
So in any scenario where divorce is allowed, it should always be a last resort.
There is not a great 1st century equivalent to pornography but I think the closest one would be voyerism of temple prostitution. I would think that would be grounds for divorce.
But if you do not think pornography is grounds for divorce then there is certainly nothing aside for physical adultry that would be biblical grounds for divorce. Habitual unrepentant sin and deception would not be biblical grounds for divorce. Only separation.
Yes, those are helpful thoughts. When looking at the passage in Matthew 5:31, the immediate concern that jumped to my mind exegetically was how do we know that the words Jesus used there only refer to a physical affair? The word used to describe what would be permissible grounds for divorce is ‘porneias’, translated in English Bibles alternately as ‘sexual immorality, unfaithfulness, lewdness, unchastity’. Porn betrayal to my mind, without having done any kind of thorough exegesis of the passage, certainly constitutes sexual immorality, lewdness and unfaithfulness in the English language. It is hard to tell if the word would have communicated to the original hearers only a full physical affair, or whether it could have communicated also deliberate looking at and responding to nude people outside the marriage covenant.
So I feel we need to be careful not to read things in to Jesus’ words. Not to say we are 100% sure we know what he said if we don’t, if we aren’t 100% sure what the Greek word used refers to here. And if we can’t be sure, then we can’t be dogmatic about what kind of sexual betrayal is grounds for divorce or not.
‘I think most Bible-believing Christians would agree that a single instance of lust, or porn use, should not be used as grounds for divorce. Whereas, I believe most of us, if not all, would agree that a single instance of a physical affair does create biblical grounds for a divorce’.
This to me sounds like someone who has betrayed their spouse by looking at porn, but not had full physical sex with the woman they saw nude, trying to make themselves seem to much better in comparison, and to have cheated so much less, than someone who has betrayed their spouse by having physical sex with another person. Which to me is not a helpful way of looking at any of it.
A woman who has been betrayed by her husband looking at another woman fully naked can be just as traumatised and humiliated as a woman who has been betrayed by her husband physically having sex with another woman. You can even argue in some ways that viewing porn is more damaging, as the person on the screen stays ‘perfect’ with no actual flaws and foibles of a real person visible, whereas in person everyone of course has flaws, and the reality of the human condition is more easily seen.
It feels very much like you are letting the person who betrays his spouse by looking at porn off the hook a bit. If you want to help eradicate the horror that porn betrayal does to a marriage, then the person who betrayed through porn should be helped to realise how devastating and total their betrayal of their spouse is, and how no matter what happens after that point, that the marriage will never be the same. Comparison has entered where there never previously was comparison. The wife even if she stayed would never be able to relax and trust without thinking about it ever again. Every day would become a daily battle of trying to trust, and yet never ever again being able to trust completely. The husband also becomes someone so much less desirable than the person they married, as unfaithfulness, and porn use is an unattractive quality. So even if a wife stayed the marriage is far from the dream she hoped for. Where are the blog posts acknowledging the reality of the often permanent consequences like these for woman betrayed by porn use? It seems we only hear again and again the male perspective.
I think also that you need to realise that for most of us when we read the Bible passages about ‘lust’, what we are thinking of with that word is a man or woman, husband or wife, seeing another person fully clothed, and either becoming aroused or thinking about that person in a sexual way. That is obviously a betrayal of one’s thoughts but I can’t imagine there is a spouse alive who hasn’t done that at least once. Yes it needs talked about after, and the other spouse needs told gently that that person is someone their spouse needs to not spend too much time with, or needs to be careful about. That may not feel romantic, but every healthy marriage will have a time when both parties have to do that.
So, no, ‘lust’ to most people does not indicate seeing actually seeing another human being completely naked in the way that is only meant for marriage. When you equate ‘lust’ as sexual thoughts and ‘porn’ in the same sentence, as if they are an equal thing, that is really unhelpful. Looking at someone other than your wife who has absolutely no clothes on is quite obviously a much more serious, and much deeper and painful betrayal than a lustful thought about someone in your life who is wearing clothes. It would be helpful if you would separate out those two and empathise with the horror a woman has when she learns she is no longer the only adult female her husband has seen naked.
I’m not sure why my previous comment hasn’t been posted, as there wasn’t anything offensive in it. It was engaging specifically with the article.
I would like to add, in hopes my original comment will be posted, that one of the easiest ways to traumatise a betrayed spouse is to suggest that as long as there is repentance the betrayed spouse must just forgive their spouse and get on with the marriage.
This approach is incredibly painful and completely dismissive of the betrayed spouse’s experience. The implication to a betrayed wife, for example, seems to be that their husband is actually permitted to do whatever he likes, with whoever he likes, when
ever and for as long as he likes, as long as at some point they say sorry and stop doing those things. And if he says sorry, no matter if he has looked at a hundred different women naked for example, their spouse has to just carry on as before! There seems to be no understanding of the immensity and depth of pain betrayal through porn causes. It’s a very deep and personal betrayal.
I do believe God calls us all to forgiveness no matter what, but forgiveness does not include any automatic trust of someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy. Forgiveness is not holding it against them, and is completely separate from getting back into a relationship. Most people would suggest it would absolutely not be wise to just simply trust again someone who has broken trust, lied and been deceptive, and said sorry. Trust needs earned, and if trust has been broken in a catastrophic fashion (like the spouse having looked at another person naked) there should be absolutely no assumption that the betrayed spouse should put themselves into that relationship again. Most studies seem to indicate that if a husband looks at porn, that he will return to it again. So the wife being pushed to just trust him again actually usually will mean she will be hurt again. It is much better to encourage the policy of a separation after porn use, and a period of time where the betrayer can start getting the help they need, start living with computer accountability, start doing some reading about betrayal trauma to understand what they have caused their wife to experience (for the rest of her life), and start living a life they can be proud of. And to leave it completely in the hands of the person who has been betrayed to decide if and when she could put herself through trusting that person again.
https://andrewjbauman.com/the-minimization-of-pornography/ has some really helpful comments about how we go about talking about porn and responding to porn in life and in church life. Porn has so many absolutely inevitable damaging consequences that the next generation really need warned. And warned adequately. Porn in and of itself exploits women. Many of the women online are not there by choice. It also can lead to someone facing criminal consequences or at the very least realising they have not just done something immoral but that it was also illegal, as viewing the nude bodies of children is still illegal in many countries. People who watch porn cannot know the age of the girls they are watching, who are obviously often young. So someone may have broken the law of their country many times without knowing it, or stopping to think about it.
Porn will teach those not yet in marriages to have a pornified view of women, where they start from a place of seeing every female body as a sexual object. Along with this comes a lower view of women and an inability to be amongst women in all purity and beauty. It also teaches selfish, individual sex, and that satisfaction can come at speed and with little effort, and complete control for the porn user.
Then obviously for the married porn user on top of the comparison and the lack of sexual freedom any wife who stays with him will feel (as she won’t want to do anything to remind him of something he saw/the other women), there is also the added horror of the betrayal of the heart and body of the person you are married to. And for most the added trauma put on the spouse of the lying and deception that then follows and which is equally as painful and devaluing as the cheating itself.
I realise completely that men who have had porn addictions need to feel a sense of hopefulness and of being able to escape the world they have lived in completely. And nothing here is written in judgement. But it is written in a small effort to show just a few of the consequences that come with choosing porn. I don’t feel the church should be removing the natural consequences of their actions from those who betray with porn. They need to face the consequences of their actions, whilst also receiving grace, hopefully forgiveness, but not necessarily trust again from the one wounded.
Thanks Nick for your balanced approach. Divorce should be a last resort. Pure Desire Ministries is the absolute best hope I have experienced for restoration instead of divorce. If my wife had jumped to divorce, she and I would have never experienced what a miraculous God can do to a still very imperfect marriage. Admittedly, our marriage was and is destined to be much different than she and I imagined at the alter. She and I are both co-leaders in respective Pure Desire Groups, me in 7 Pillars and she in Betrayal and Beyond. Praise God we stuck with it. You and Pure Desire are the best thing that has happened to our very broken marriage. Pure Desire provides the balance needed for both the betrayed and the betrayer to heal. I have spent countless hours in prayer and meditation concerning how I can speak and act to better facilitate her healing from betrayal trauma. She is doing the same for my addiction to unwanted sexual behaviors. We learn how this is done in our respective Pure Desire groups. It can be done with God at the helm.