The process of recovery and healing isn’t an easy one, but it is essential to our health. If you are in the early days of recovery from betrayal or your own unhealthy choices and patterns, you may have a lot of questions and may not even know how to start.   

Recovery at its core is “connection” and all of us need connection. None of us do this perfectly and neither do the people around us. To have both rupture and repair in our relationships is to be human. It is in learning how to repair and heal these ruptures that we are restored to our truest selves.  

Many types of trauma happen to us throughout our lives, which can disconnect us from ourselves, others, and how we relate to God. Recovery is the process of reconnecting, even where the wounds are deep and wide. 

In my own journey and walking alongside others, here are a few foundational needs I’ve seen for finding healing and for reconnecting.

I need to know that I’m not alone.

To know that we are not alone is a profound human need, especially when we are feeling at our most vulnerable. There are people who can understand and can walk through this very painful season with you. Sometimes safe family members or faith communities become a part of this support from the beginning or over time. But even if they don’t, it is absolutely essential that we find at least one person or group who we can be very open with.  

When we open up to others who have experienced deep loss, betrayal, and addiction, and they are able to connect with us in our pain, there is a profound miracle that happens. Whether they have experienced a broader sense of grief and loss or have had very similar experiences, when we are present with someone in our pain, healing is present. Eventually, the benefit of real community and the feeling of support outweigh the risk of rejection from those who do not understand. 

Although no one can “fix it” for me, I am able to experience that I am not alone and that I matter.

I need to be able to voice my pain and share my story.

In our traumatic experiences we are trying to make meaning, we are safety-seeking, and we must be able to put words to what we are experiencing, to move through it and heal. We need to put order to what often feels like chaos. Addiction and betrayal represent tremendous losses in our lives. Losses have to be grieved to be healed. It doesn’t mean we can make sense of everything, but sharing our story is a huge part of putting the pieces together of what has happened to us and letting go of what needs to be let go of. Not only does it help us make sense of our pain, but it drives the sense of shame downward and shame is often what keeps us stuck.  

Sharing our story can be done through a group, journaling, art, drawing pictures, and especially through sharing our inner work with others—our heart begins to shift and we witness ourselves beginning to heal. We find that we can eventually be present with our story. This is an indication that some of the shame has lifted and healing is taking place. 

Eventually, and through doing the work of recovery, we begin to sense that we have witnessed our own story and it has been witnessed by others, and we can move forward past this chapter to new places. We can integrate our loss into our story without it defining us or defining our relationships or marriage. It becomes a piece, or chapter, of a much larger story that is being written as we partner with God’s work in our lives. The process of recovery (connection) is for life, but we move through our stories into new ways of experiencing it.

I need to be validated in my pain.

There is often a fear that if I get in recovery or if I heal from betrayal, my pain will be minimized, brushed over, or invalidated. Letting go of the pain somehow excuses it. Recovery and healing is the opposite of this. We get to meet ourselves and let others meet us in the most vulnerable places in our lives and know that to hurt is to be human.  

Taking the time to validate ourselves and to be validated by others allows us to recognize we have been a victim of hurt from others or ourselves, but we do not have to remain a victim. We can’t skip this process of validation before going to the place of healing. 

Educating ourselves about the brain, trauma, relationships, and recovery (connection) can validate our process and empower us to walk a hero’s journey.

I need to learn to trust myself and others again.

In early recovery we often feel duped or we wonder how we could have “missed it.” Whether we were betrayed by a spouse or we have made choices that have betrayed ourselves or others, it can undermine our ability to trust ourselves and others. Our confidence can be minimized. We are hard on ourselves and begin to have not just negative thoughts, but negative thinking patterns. 

In my process I can learn to be curious, to ask myself questions, and find new skills. I need to gain a new understanding of what trust looks like, what boundaries need to be put in place, and perhaps how I need to support myself. 

Can you begin to make sense of your journey while giving yourself compassion for the pieces you didn’t know or you missed?

I need to learn to express my needs and meet them in a healthy way.

In early recovery, I absolutely must believe that my healing is my top priority. In fact, throughout my life I must recognize the health of being a human being over a human doing. I must believe I am worth getting help, worth valuing me, and worth paying attention to my needs. I cannot love others without loving myself.

We may not realize that a significant part of recovery comes from being connected to self. Understanding and knowing how the Divine created us, how valuable we are, and how to not abandon ourselves, but to show up with curiosity and compassion for ourselves is an incredible place to start. 

When I can be honest with myself and “show up” for myself, I begin to live in  relationship with others in a more healthy way.

I know we often feel “too busy” to focus on ourselves, but honestly we are too busy not to. If you change your belief around this, it will change your life in significant ways. I can tell you all kinds of things to do to focus on yourself, but if you don’t believe it is key to your health, you won’t own the importance of it. When we have been wounded, often the most spiritual thing right now is to pull back from focusing on others and tend to our wounds, being in tune with what the Spirit is saying to us. 

I believe that a healthier me contributes to my family, faith community, and world better than an unhealthy me.

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So friend, if you find yourself wondering, where do I go from here, please start with assessing and attending to your deepest needs. Find out what will allow your heart to connect again. Be brave and know that if you continue to pursue connection and allow others on the journey to help you, you will find the beautiful, gifted, and connected self you were designed to be.  

No matter your story, there is hope. You can be honest about your pain and take the time to attend to your hurt. You can also choose to not remain there forever. Time and time again, we can reclaim the parts of our story where we have found new meaning and purpose—and eventually celebrate the beauty that comes out of our brokenness.