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Moral Failings In The Church w/ Randy Alcorn
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I listened to the above podcast and to be honest it left me broken-hearted. I agree that more accountability and education is needed. We all need taught that getting married will not automatically solve our current and potential sexual brokenness. But when it comes to moral failings of Christian leaders, and you seem to suggest that, across the board, the church family deserve full information about everything that happened, I would disagree.
For context, I’m a woman who has been in Christian ministry for 20 years, whose life has been left broken by my husband’s actions. He betrayed me sexually, emotionally and financially for many years, while keeping me completely in the dark about his double life.
I don’t personally believe there should always be full disclosure about the most private and personal, sexual, parts of someone’s life. Can you put yourselves in the shoes of a woman who has been betrayed by the person she trusted most, and who has lost her love, her sense of self-worth, her enjoyment of her body, her sex life, and her family unit….and who, on full disclosure, will now also lose her current social life as it is, her right to her personal life being private, and the ability to hold her head up high in public?
My husband is willing to talk openly about what he has done, but I have asked him not to, as I have already lost so much, and my friends and family are the only part of my life that is untouched by his sins. I couldn’t imagine the pain of everyone around me knowing, my little children knowing, how comprehensively and repeatedly he was unfaithful to me, how I have been humiliated. I have no desire to live being seen as a victim, with people feeling sorry for me for the rest of my life, filling in in their heads the reasons why my husband acted how he did. I don’t want people around me knowing the most intimate and distressing details of my romantic and sexual life.
If I’m being fully honest, I feel it would be easier if my family and friends saw me as someone who had cheated on my husband, than that they knew he cheated on me. It is just so embarrassing to be the one cheated on. When I listened to your podcast it felt like you aren’t really seeing the betrayed spouse as a real person at all, with a real-life situation. These sins affect real families, for their whole lives. If any restoration of the marriage is possible, it is so much easier if those around you don’t know all the sordid details of the cheating that went on previously.
I was so disturbed that the only mention made in the article of a betrayed spouse was concerning a leader’s wife that sometimes ‘she’s in on the coverup’. I understand that if a Christian leader falls, remains in ministry, and the wife knows and also encourages him to remain in ministry, that this is a problem. But for the only mention of the devastated spouse in this podcast to be a negative one? To me, if the fallen leader chooses to leave the ministry because of unfaithfulness to their spouse, is repentant and does not continue in the sin, then no, they don’t need to talk publicly about this very personal and great pain. These situations are so complex and shouldn’t all be tarred with one brush.
Can you understand that some men in leadership are not sharing their broken actions out of love to the wife they have devastated? So as to spare her public humiliation and shame that is not her fault, but that nonetheless, as a result of his actions, would follow her through her whole life? Some of these decisions are nothing to do with protecting the reputation of a church, and everything to do with protecting the privacy of an already traumatised spouse.
It almost feels like you’re talking in some kind of vortex where the humiliated spouse doesn’t exist. All your focus is on the married man in leadership, and whether or not he can be restored. But this is not just the man’s story. This is also her story, and her life. Unless criminal matters have taken place, betrayed spouses should have the right to say whether these very private betrayals become public knowledge.
Sarah, thank you for your comment. As I read through your story, I totally hear where you’re coming from. My first thought is that I’m so sorry for what happened to you. That is so awful. We’re sorry you experienced that. Second, as I reflect on your comment, I see that our perspective/approach to this episode was more from the “church” side. Meaning, we are looking at it from the perspective of how the church/church culture handles moral failings. This episode wasn’t building off of the perspective of the betrayed partner. I’m actually really glad you commented because we are releasing an episode in May specifically on being a betrayed partner of a pastor/christian leader. This episode will be part of another “Women’s Takeover” series where Ashley Jameson and Heather Kolb will host the show. This specific episode will very much will focus on the experience of the betrayed partner in the sexual betrayal and moral failing of their spouse.
I’d like to also clarify that we’re not suggesting all of the details of the moral failing or sexual misconduct be broadcast to the church/community. Our encouragement for churches to share about what happened is more of a call to “just say something.” Churches often cover up what happened and don’t admit to any scandal or misconduct. They sweep it under the rug and leave their people in the dark. This is a problem because it perpetuates the issue. People need to know when things like this happen, but more importantly, know that there is a place for healing and restoration. We don’t want men and women in the congregation to hear about a moral failing (or not hear anything about it) and convince themselves they can never share about their own struggle or ask for help.
I hope all of this helps or brings clarity. I really appreciate you sharing your story and for bringing the perspective of the betrayed partner. I’m hopeful the episode we’re releasing in May will minister to you and other betrayed partners.
If you’d like to dialogue more or share more of your perspective/experience, please reach out: [email protected].