It is hard to be a spiritual faith leader. There are so many issues impacting your flock! I want to offer some information and hopefully helpful advice about how to help following sexual betrayal, especially related to porn use in marriage. I originally posted on this topic in 2019 and, sad to say, many in our church communities continue to find it hard to know how to help and not harm when this is the issue. 

It is not uncommon to hear that well-known Christian pastors, writers, and speakers on issues related to sexual intimacy in Christian marriages make some comments that hurt and even outrage many women who have experienced sexual betrayal in their marriages. One such occurrence a few years ago was a blog post, where a well-known Christian author and leader said a lot of very true and helpful things! But then the author shared the belief and provided stories around how a Christian wife might help their porn-struggling spouse by being more sexually available to him, rather than “refusing” sex. The author was careful to say that sex would not “cure” the porn use but could “help.” However, women began to respond to the post to disagree with what the author was saying. The author then began to block response comments on his blog and was demeaning to those who responded with disagreement and those who attempted to share their painful experiences; from all appearances, he did not respond well to this rebuke or their pain. This is not an isolated experience. Similar statements are reported by partners when they have sought support and help from their faith community or pastor or another leader. 

While there are many in the faith community who have done the hard work of learning how to help after betrayal, there continue to be spaces in the church where the betrayed dare not go to for help. 

I hear of many examples of hurtful guidance or counsel given to couples when one party in the relationship is chronically using pornography. This especially happens when the helper has not obtained information on how to assist. 

I am a specialist in trauma, betrayal trauma, and sexual betrayal, and I wish authors, pastors, and leaders would confer with me or someone like me before offering to help couples while one party is regularly consuming pornography. 

A few years ago, I was part of a group of women who spoke to a Christian author with loving confrontation about his views on how a betrayed spouse could or should help their struggling husband. In this situation, this faith leader’s advice was to be more sexual, as if the use of pornography was strictly a “lack of sex” issue. He had the opportunity to know better because brave and loving women shared with him in the hopes he would hear and learn. He later printed similar types of advice and even more women found that pastoral advice hurtful.

I have conducted research about betrayed women’s experiences. Here is what I know to be true as to the experiences of many women when their loved one uses porn. These women experience anything but being honored or cherished. They feel inadequate and rejected sexually. They often experience shock and shame that their loved one would engage in this behavior. They are often traumatized (70% in my research sample). The betrayed spouse might experience discomfort if and when their loved one attempts to bring sexual behaviors that they viewed in their porn use into the marriage bed. 

I remember one woman who put it this way: “If I tried to have sex with my husband, knowing he was viewing porn regularly, it was like there were hundreds of other women in the bed with us!” 

So, while feeling betrayed, less-than, discarded, compared to, and cheated on, she is also supposed to be sexually available to a man who is being unfaithful to her on a regular basis? Our leaders need to know and appreciate the experiences of the betrayed. 

I’ve talked with many women who have attempted exactly what this author suggested, only to find themselves dissociating while attempting to be sexual. Dissociation is a trauma response. They felt traumatized attempting to be sexual with someone who sexually betrayed them! Their bodies, their minds, their SOULS felt traumatized! 

Here is another thing I know. Compulsive porn use is not really about sex. It is used as a vehicle for numbing out, voyeurism, mood-management, novelty seeking, is often compulsive, and can become part of addictive behavior. Much of today’s pornography includes violent or degrading behavior toward women. It does not reflect Christ-like, person-honoring sexuality. Someone chronically using porn is usually not doing so because of lack of sex in the marriage. Very often, it is the betrayed spouse who is being sexually neglected as their loved one prefers sexual release via porn. More sex (even with your spouse) is not a cure or even helpful for pornography addiction. Connection is the best remedy. Talk. Connect. Emotional intimacy. Not sex. I’d love to hear a pastor say something like, “If you are tempted to go to porn, talk to someone about your feelings. Be honest. Share your fears or frustrations about life with a safe person.” That is what can lead to mutual and satisfying (non-exploitive or abusive) relational intimacy.

There are sources available now where you can learn more about how to be effective first responders when the issue is sexual betrayal or sexual/porn addiction. We want to help you as you are on the front lines.

Organizations such as The Association for Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specials (APSATS.org) offer training to assist faith leaders and helpers become trauma informed in offering front line support. 

I encourage authors/pastors to read, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal (Steffens & Means, 2009; 2021) to better understand the significant impact of betrayal for spouses.

Dr. Barbara Steffens is a featured speaker at this year’s Pure Desire Summit! Join us September 15-16, 2023, as we discover what healing and recovery looks like From the Heart.

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