When I entered recovery, I had been broken by years of addiction. I thought I would live out my life in shame over what I had done. I would show up at church, sit in the back, cry my way through worship and the message, and go home and start my work week. On one occasion after I had relapsed, I went forward and told a prayer warrior “God must be really disappointed with me,” to which she replied, “No, He loves you.” I didn’t understand it then. How could God love me? How could anyone love me? I didn’t think I would ever know what it means to be loved.

Over the years, especially this last year, I have been reflecting on my recovery efforts. I have been sober from love and sex addiction for nearly 30 years. I have given back to other strugglers and helped them achieve sobriety too. But this year feels different to me. There is more to life than sobriety. My continuing restoration has been a personal journey into understanding God’s love and how it has impacted me.

What is love?

Love was elusive to me. Years of sex addiction can do that to a mind. My sex addicted brain told me sex equals love. So why did sex leave me feeling so empty? The meaning of love has lost its impact in our modern English language. The vividness of what love is has been diluted. This worked well with my avoidance tactics. I could dismiss love as a distraction, sloppy and avoidable. A lonely life for sure.

Most of us are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It has been recited at many weddings as two optimistic hearts, excited to be joined together, are told by their officiant:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

We take this vow and commit to our partner to live it out in marriage. On our honeymoon, we realize we cannot do it. We cannot love this way.

The word love used here by the Apostle Paul is the Greek word agape. In Hebrew the word is ahava. The word in both languages means to have an affectionate, charitable, and benevolent conduct in a relationship. Agape and ahava describe a selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional code of conduct.

Ahava is used in Deuteronomy 6:5, “Love the Lord your God.” It is used to convey an affection from man to woman (when Jacob loved Rebecca) and from woman to man (bride to bridegroom in Song of Solomon). The Greek word agape conveys the same message: affectionate and benevolent. This type of love is not what we feel toward pizza, tortilla chips, or our favorite shoes.

One day as I was reading these verses out loud it struck me that I do not love this way (actually, I was quite humbled). Here are some of my notes:

• Love is patient or long-suffering. It is merciful toward others when they fail. Am I patient when others fail me?  
• Love is kind. It is generous, helpful, and caring toward others. Am I generous in how I interpret the motives of others? Am I helpful and caring?
• Love is not envious. It is admiring, proud of, trusting, and understanding. Am I jealous of others who have what I want? Am I happy for others when they succeed?
• Love is not boastful. It is modest and unassuming. Do I brag about what I do or have accomplished?
• Love does not dishonor. It is respectful. Am I disrespectful toward others?
• Love is not self-seeking. It does not have any hidden motives. Am I manipulative in how I try to get what I want?
• Love is not easily angered. It is tolerant. Am I quick to get angry?
• Love does not keep a record of wrongs. It doesn’t keep score of the offenses others inflict on us. Do I carry a grudge against people who have been unkind toward me or have hurt me in some way?
• Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It does not take pleasure when others are wrongly accused or punished. Rather, love is joyful when the truth comes out. Do I delight in the truth when God reveals where I need to improve on loving others?

What struck me as totally amazing is that this is how God conducts Himself toward me all the time. He is always patient. He is always kind (even when I mess up). He is the embodiment of ahava, agape, unconditional love. No wonder Jesus drew such large crowds. This is how Jesus conducted Himself toward all He met. People were hungry for affection. People were craving a type of conduct that was benevolent and merciful.

Why is it important to love this way?

The entirety of 1 Corinthians 13 brings clarity to why it’s important to conduct ourselves in relationships in this manner. If we teach well, preach eloquently, give all our resources to others, and even sacrifice our physical safety for the benefit of another, BUT do it without affection, benevolence, or charity, we gain NOTHING. 

Recently while pondering this message, God said to me, “You can get your needs met and still be kind. You can express your boundaries without anger.” You can guess what I struggle with when it comes to my conduct. This is why this year will be a change for me. I know I need to love better.

Remembering that our God is ahava, agape, unconditional love is so important for many reasons. This love will never fail and is what will remain when Christ returns. If I read the rest of 1 Corinthians 13 correctly, all the prophecies will end, all languages we speak today will be quieted, all knowledge we have gained will pass away. Right now we only know part of what is to come. That part, too, will disappear. But when Christ returns and we are united with Him, what will remain is His ahava/agape/unconditional love.  

Since I am starting my new year in love, I need to put love into action. Here’s how I plan to move forward:

First, I need to believe in my heart that God loves me this way. Unconditionally! All the time. When I mess up, His love toward me is conducted with long-suffering (yeah!) and His correction will be kind. I plan to start each day by reminding myself of this truth so that each day brings a new depth of love. I must let my avoidant heart feel the warmth of His affection.  

Second, I need to love myself this way. This means whenever I mess up I will not call myself names. I will remind myself that when I am impatient with others, I can apologize and try again. 

Finally, and only then, will I be able to conduct myself toward others in love. I can only offer others what I have received and worked on. I am committing to not keeping a list of people who don’t deserve my favor. I commit to not firing off hurtful words when I get my feelings hurt. Treating others in love comes at a cost. I have to give up being right, holding a grudge, or simply being selfish.  

I have a Personal Empowerment Plan (PEP) that lists my bottom lines, growth edges, self-care, vision, and purpose. I use this PEP with certain clients as we work through their clinical resources. It’s handy to look at as their program comes to an end. As I reviewed my own 2023 PEP, I discussed my progress and misses with my peer group.  My purpose for 2023 was to “preach the gospel” and “proclaim freedom to captives of addiction.” For 2024, I have added a new purpose: “Love as I have been loved.” This purpose should have been stated on my list a long time ago, but I will not beat myself up for putting it on my plan now [wink]. 

The last commandment Jesus gave us was to love one another as He has loved us. He loves us with a warm affection that in our human messiness is hard to receive, hard to extend toward ourselves, and certainly difficult to extend to others. This is why I am committing to live out my remaining years on earth in love.