I have a confession. I wanted this blog to be lighthearted and fun. My tendency is to approach my writings with facts, laced with insight, and finish off with wisdom. I wanted this to be different. I started writing with a desire to keep it light. It didn’t take long before I felt uncomfortable with the direction this was going. I asked myself, why is my body so tense? What am I feeling? Fear? Fear of what? Could this be when I tend to put on a mask? If so, why do I have this mask? Is it helpful? If so, how is it helpful? 

So many questions began to emerge for me. I stepped aside from this writing for a couple of days to filter through my thoughts and questions. I had to be honest with myself. I recognized that at times I put on the mask of “intellect” as a way to hide my insecurities. The problem is if I take off my mask, I will be vulnerable to what others think of me. 

This is my problem: I wanted others to think favorably of me. Yet I did not have a favorable opinion of myself. 

I think there is something true about me that got wounded or distorted. I felt a need to be the smartest, most informed person in the room to prove I wasn’t incompetent or stupid. So now, I am conflicted about how to approach this topic. More importantly, how do I bring down this mask so you can see the real me. Who is the real me?  

Since we are wounded in our giftedness, I think passion lies at the heart of my intensity. I hope to convey this here as I peel off the mask of “intellect” and put on the “passion” I feel about God, Jesus, and the topic of restoration.

A mask is anything we use to hide or deny the exposure of how we see ourselves through the eyes of others. It is a protective personality or style of relating we use when our self-esteem is threatened. It may not always be worn on the outside, but it will pop up on the inside when exposure of our self-perception is threatened. Identifying when this mask came into use is critical.

The irony of life is that those who wear masks often tell us more truths than those with open faces.

Marie Lu, The Rose Society

Forming the Mask

More than anything, unresolved trauma shapes our identity and our actions. The words said to us or the actions by our caregivers mold the perception of our value and self-esteem—our beauty and goodness. In response to wounding, we develop a mask to protect ourselves or shield the eyes of others from seeing our inner shame. 

The words told to you when you were hurt, scared, or even proud of yourself shaped your identity. Kids are told to stop crying, thus denying the harm done to them. 

The self-perception I had was “I am flawed, not perfect.” I protected my self-perception by wearing “anger” and “know it all” masks as a way to shield being exposed. I am sure it was not subtle to others, but I was blind to it. A rupture in a relationship that went unrepaired, led to hurt feelings and shame. I concluded, “Something is wrong with me.”

We learn to hide our hurt and pain. I believe it is this hiding that is the main cause of depressive feelings. This is true for both women and men. Depression is painful. Addiction is a way to numb the pain.

So, if masks hide our wounded identity, what is our true identity? Recovering our true identity is the most difficult inner work we will do. It requires us to first identify the debris of how we have tried to find a safe place for ourselves. Our masks are part of the debris left behind from trauma. Masks keep us from seeing this real war we are fighting. Our relationships become a minefield. One wrong step leads to a casualty.

Identifying the Debris

Debris is what is left behind after the fighting has stopped. Trauma is just such a battlefield. We got kicked out of Eden by trauma. Trauma violated our sense of safety, calm, and peace. Walking in harmony with God and creation; the very thing we were made for. To find our way back to Eden, we developed a response to the lack of relational safety we experienced. I call this a relational style. 

Trauma shapes our actions. I am talking about the fight-flight-freeze-and-fawn responses we develop when our fear or shame is activated. This was eye opening for me. My style was to fight—inflict shame on others when my shame was exposed. If I maintained a level of hostility, I would not have to let anyone close enough to see my shame. Over the years as I have worked on “my issues,” I have come to realize that internally I also freeze. My “fight” kept me isolated enough to pretend that I didn’t need anyone. My “freezing” allowed me to numb the pain of not feeling loved or safe in relationships.

We wear the mask that grins and lies. It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes.

Paul Laurence Dunbar

Identifying the debris is difficult because it requires humility, surrender, and trust. The very thing that makes us vulnerable. I thought, How would I survive if I am not the most competent person in the room? I had to learn to survive the fear that I may not be accepted if others knew the real me. Who is the real me? This question can only be answered by taking off the mask and going on a journey with Jesus.  

Taking off the mask will expose what you believe about yourself.

Finding True Identity

If I communicate anything here, I want you to know my passion for opening the door to the truth of who you are. The truth is God created you beautiful and good. This is your true Identity. This is your original, true inherent value. 

The renewing of the mind is about believing this truth and walking in God’s provision. God created us to be delighted in and to be honored. He delighted in us by providing for our redemption. He honored us by giving us free will to choose. By clearing away the debris of trauma, we are delighting in ourselves and honoring ourselves by surrendering to the work of Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

For most of us, trauma changed our perception of this truth. Trauma distorted our understanding of our identity and it shaped our actions for surviving or finding a place of safety—back to Eden—where we were created to live in peace and love. Masks provide a false sense of security. They will not provide the safety we seek.  

The journey to safety starts with you believing the truth about who you are, taking refuge in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, and boldly turning away from your style of relating—taking off the masks to expose that you are beautiful, good, flawed, forgiven, and set free.